How Angelus Stole Christmas
DISCLAIMER: Sincere apologies to
Dr. Seuss and his people... I, of course, own none of this... Not Who-ville, not Angelus,
not Willow, not Cindy-Lou Who, not the Roast Beast, nothing. Joss and Mutant Enemy own
everything that Dr. Seuss doesnt.
Every Who down in Who-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...
Who lived just north of Who-ville
Angelus hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please dont ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasnt screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his leather pants were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his cock was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
His pants or his cock,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the lot,
Staring down from his mansion with a sour, vampirey frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And theyre hanging their stockings," he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! Its practically here!"
Then he growled, with his vampire fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
Tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Who girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. Theyd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
Thats one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And theyd feast! And theyd feast!
And theyd FEAST!
They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast
Which was something that Angelus couldnt stand in the least!
Theyd do something
He liked least of all!
Every Who in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
Theyd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!
Theyd sing! And
AND theyd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Angelus thought of this Who-Christmas-Sing,
The more Angelus thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for two hundred years Ive put up with it now!
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!
... But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Angelus laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great vampirey trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..."
Angelus looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop old Angelus...?
No! Angelus simply said,
"If I cant find a reindeer, Ill make one instead!"
So, he called his boy, Spike. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
He loaded some sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up Spikes wheelchair
And began on his way.
Then Angelus said, "Giddap!"
And the sleigh started down
Towards the homes where the Whos
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Angelus Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty sacks in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight measure.
But, if Santa could do it, so could Angelus in red leather.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Who-Butt plugs?! And hand cuffs?! A rubber Who-dick?!
Latex stiletto boots?! Who-Lube?! A giant black prick?!
Angelus scratched his head, confused, and felt a twitch in his pants...
Then a shrug, and a frown, then with nary a glance
He stuffed them in bags. Then Angelus, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!
The he slunk to the icebox. He took the Who-feast!
He took the Who-pudding! The took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, Angelus even took their last can of Who-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned Angelus, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And Angelus grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove!
He turned around fast, and he saw a small teen!
Little Willow Lou Who, who was just seventeen.
Angelus had been caught by this tiny Who daughter
Whod got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Angelus and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Angelus was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"Theres a light on this tree that wont light on one side.
"So Im taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"Ill fix it up there. Then Ill bring it back here."
But Willow Lou Who wasnt hearing his lie.
She straightened her nightie and let out a sigh,
"But Santy Claus, sir, Ive been such a bad girl,
Spank me, Santy Claus! Cmon, give it a whirl!"
Angelus froze, his head in a spin
Could this Willow Lou Who really want to commit such a sin?
The leather of his pants pitched quite a tent,
And he longed to tug down the zipper to vent.
He sat on the couch and patted his lap,
The redheaded Who leapt to his side in a snap.
She straddled his legs, and faced towards his chest,
Then she, RIGHT THROUGH THE SILK, began to nibble his breast.
She slid off his lap, and knelt on the floor.
Whod ever believe Willow would be a Who-whore?
With a zip and a tug, Angelus found his pants at his knees
And Willow Lou Who had her mouth aimed to please.
She suckled the head before swallowing the shaft.
For a shy young girl, she was skilled at her craft.
With a spurt and a moan, he shot down her throat,
Then stood from the couch and straightened his coat.
"My darling, my redhead, my wicked little Who,
Its time for Old Santy Claus to punish you."
He lifted her nightie right over her head,
And with an smirk and a snarl, Angelus simply said,
"Im going to beat you with my black leather belt,
I can assure you, my dear, that itll leave quite a welt."
With a tug and a flourish, his belt he removed,
And it cracked and it snapped with a sound he approved.
And little Willow Lou Who shivered and shook,
And started to wonder how to get herself off the hook.
She played a good game, and she sucked a mean dick,
But the gleam in his eye made her realize quite quick
That this was no mere Santy Claus,
But Angelus, the meanest vampire of ALL!
"OH, Angelus, PLEASE... OH, Angelus, SIR!"
She backed towards the door from the Saboteur.
"Willow Lou Who," he said with a chuckle,
"Come back to me now, and face my belt buckle."
She hesitated, trembling, and moved just a hair,
Watching Angelus waving his hand in the air.
She moved closer to him, feeling weak in the knees,
And brushed her nipples against his chest, Oh, what a tease!
Saint Angeluss hands grabbed at her Who-rump,
He knew this would be no ordinary Who-hump.
Spinning her body, her back to his chest,
He bent her right over for her first little test.
"Willow Lou Who, you know who I am,
"Im Angelus, the meanest son-of-a-bitch in the land,
"Ive fucked your Who-mouth, and I shall spank your Who-butt,
"And then what shall we do, my little Who-slut?"
He raised his right hand, and brought it down with a slap,
With his left hand, he quickly covered her trap.
To awake her Who-parents, or all her Who-neighbors
Would ruin his game and bring the Who-Slayer.
Buffy Lou Who, that bratty little twat,
Shed ruin their fun, obnoxious little snot.
Willow Lou Who, now into the game,
Wiggled her ass in the air with no shame.
Angelus brought down his belt, again and again,
So hard that her little Who-head began to swim.
He then reached around in the front to her cunt,
And wriggled a finger inside with a grunt.
Who-wetness and tightness surrounded his finger,
She clinched her muscles tightly, wanting his finger to linger.
With a glance at the mantle, he discovered the time,
"Oh, Willow Lou Who, someday soon youll be mine..."
Pinching her clit, she started to spasm,
Giving in to a massive Who-gasm.
Standing her straight, he kissed the top of her head.
And he got her a drink and he sent her to her bed.
And when Willow Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up.
It was a quarter til dawn...
All the Whos, still a-bed,
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The strap-ons! The Who-whips!
The Who-cuffs! The dildos! The Who-collars! The nipple-clips!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side to his house!
His reindeer, poor Spike, that weak little mouse,
Muttered, and cursed under his breath,
"Shes a sick, sick girl, this writer named Beth."
Angelus grinned and whipped at his back,
"Wheel faster and faster, you limp, little sap!"
"Pooh-Pooh to the Whos!" he was vampire-ish-ly humming.
"Theyre finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"Theyre just waking up! I know just what theyll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!
"Thats a noise," grinned Angelus,
"That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And Angelus put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasnt sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldnt be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Who-ville!
Angelus popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was fucking! Without any presents at all!
He HADNT stopped Christmas from coming!
Somehow or other, they came just the same!
And Angelus, with his vampire-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without strap-ons! It came without whips!
"It came without dildos, handcuffs or clips!"
And he puzzled three hours, til his puzzler was sore.
Then Angelus thought of something he hadnt before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesnt come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well... in Who-ville they say
That Angeluss small cock
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his cock didnt feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the dark morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
... HE HIMSELF...!
Found Willow Lou Who in the midst of the fray,
All by herself, with her fingers at play.
Red velvet curls hiding fingers that plunged
Within her tight cunt...Angelus lunged.
"Willow, my dear, my little Who-trollop,
Prepare yourself, sugar, my cock packs a wallop!"
Never saying a word, she worked herself harder,
Angelus grinned, admiring her ardor.
His cock that had grown an amazing three sizes,
Started to rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rises!
Removing his belt, his coat and his hat,
He soon freed his dick, not just long but quite fat!
Willow Lou Who came with a scream,
Massaging her clit, lost in a dream.
Lust-filled eyes gazed up at St. Nick,
"Come here, Angel Claus, come to me quick!"
Pumping his cock in his own little fist,
He moved to the Who with a quick little twist.
"Willow Lou Who, are you ready for this?"
His tongue filled her mouth in a wicked French kiss.
Pushing open her legs, he kneeled in between them.
And entered her twat, releasing a scream.
And beginning to thrust, he pumped and he pumped...
And he pumped and he thrust, thrust, thrust, THRUST...
And he thrust.
And the thrust, thrust, thrust, THRUST!
And Willow Lou Who, who pulled at her nipples,
Moaned and she moaned and she moaned...
And she moaned,
St. Angelus bucked, and he hissed and he growled,
And he bit the small Who and beneath him, she howled.
His vampirey fingers found her wet clit,
And they pulled and they twisted,
Til she came in a fit.
He pulled out in a flourish of movement and grace,
And flipped Willow Lou Who right onto her face.
Spreading her cheeks, positioning his dick,
He plunged into her ass, entering quick.
The red-headed Who, clenching her muscles so tight,
Invited the vampire to take another bite.
Angelus Claus, pumping and moaning,
Tore into her skin with his fangs, always groaning.
He came in a spurt, he came with a shout,
He came and he came, then he pulled his cock out.
Residents of Who-Ville, the tall and the small,
Watched Angelus and Willow, watched them in awe.
Then the little Who-Slayer moved to the front.
"But, Angel!" she cried,
"Angel, my pet!
Why are you bothering with her,
Cant you see Im quite wet?
I could stake you right here,
Right in your heart...
Think of this now,
And youd better be smart!"
"Oh, Buffy, my Buffster, my former Who-Whore,
You were fun for a while, but now I want more.
This tiny Who red-head, this cute little duck,
Is really, quite simply, a much better fuck."
"You lay on your back," he continued with glee,
"And you cry and you sigh, and bore the shit out of me.
Willow Lou Who, of tight ass and mouth,
Is ten times the Who-Woman that youll ever be."
The Who-Slayer bitched and left in a snit,
Leaving Angelus behind with a strong urge to spit.
But Willow Lou Who thrust her ass in the air.
"Cmon, Santy Claus, stick it in there."
Angelus growled, he snarled and he smiled,
He hadnt felt quite so content in a while.
The spirit of Christmas, the spirit of giving,
Crept in his heart, he, the UnLiving.
With a smack to her ass, and a kiss on her mouth,
He turned to the Whos and said with a shout,
"Thank you so much, for seeing this Who-Fuck-Fest,
Happy Fucking to All, and have a great Christmas!"
Undead and all, the vampire named Angelus,
Grabbed his Who-Whore, and left for Los Angeles.