DISCLAIMER: All of these
characters and all of the background belong to Joss Wheden, Mutant Enemy and the WB.
Im only playing with them.
"Explain to me exactly what you mean when you say Spike has Willow?" The Slayer
had both of her hands wrapped tightly around her boyfriend
"Buffy, let me go and Ill
Buffy released her death grip from
Angels throat and he slumped to the ground.
"I thought you werent trying to
kill me anymore
"Dont change the
"All right, all right
on the streets is that Spike just grabbed her walking home from the Bronze last
what the hell were you doing letting her walk home alone?"
"Hey, dont turn this around on
Youre the one that told me that Sid and Nancy left Sunnydale
"Im sorry, Buffy, I didnt
mean to snap at you
we have to get her back. Theyre going to change her, if
they havent already."
"What better way to get back at you
and me both? Shes your best friend, and shes the one that almost lost her life
giving me my soul back
Angel, where are
"I dont know, Buff
Ive lost track of them."
"Weve got to find them now.
Its time for Spike and Dru to not be anymore."
"Ill hit the streets
go call Giles."
"And Xander, and Oz
shit," The Slayer began to sniffle.
"Buffy," Angel gently shook her,
"Get a grip
Two hours later, Buffy was sitting on the
library floor, head in her arms. Giles was pouring through stacks of books, Cordelia
looking over his shoulder trying to help. Xander sat in Giless office, staring at a
spot on the wall, as Oz paced from one end of the library to the other.
Angel burst in the door. It was now only
about an hour before sunrise. It had been a month since Angelus became Angel again, thanks
to Willow and her dedication. Buffy and Angel were desperately trying to recapture the
love that they had before The Change, but it was becoming apparent to both of them that
nothing could ever be the same. Giles, although he put on a good act, would never be able
to forgive him for killing Jenny. Xander had always hated him, but more so now after
Willow almost lost her life at his hands. Angel knew that Buffy would never be able to see
him the same way again, and he couldnt blame her. The guilt he was carrying on his
shoulders was heavier than ever. He was withdrawing into himself the same as he had years
before, when the gypsies originally restored his soul. He remembered all the hideous
things that he had done, from killing Jenny, to Willows fish, the torture of Giles,
and every nasty thing he said to Buffy, and the guilt was almost overwhelming.
The only person that still treated him like
Angel was Willow. She had been the one that refused to give up on him. Willow was so open
and innocent that somehow, despite all the evil that she had witnessed on the Hellmouth,
she still saw the good in everyone, and now, after regaining his soul, Willow was the only
one that could look him in the eye and still see Angel, and now she was gone.
" Angel cried out as
Buffy jumped up from her spot on the floor.
Everyone immediately knew that something was wrong.
"Angel, what is it? Where are
they?" She grabbed his arms and began to shake him.
its too late.
Theyve changed her."
"NO! God damn it, no!" Xander
tore from Giles office and tackled the much larger Angel, pummeling him in the chest with
Angel didnt even try to fight back.
This was his fault. This was all his fault. If he had stayed away from Buffy in the very
if he hadnt fallen in love with her, none of this would be
To his surprise, it was Giles, not Buffy,
that pulled Xander off of him.
"Giles, what are you doing? Hes
the monster that started all of this. He killed Jenny, for Christs sake, and now
shes one of them." He
fell sobbing into Cordelias arms.
Oz left. He was in love with Willow, but he
couldnt be with the others. He had never really been a full part of their inner
circle. He saw Willow in a way that none of the others ever had. From the moment he
laid eyes on her, he was smitten. Not like Xander who couldnt see her beauty if it
bit him on the ass. Not like Angel who saw her only as Buffys smart little friend.
Not like Giles, who saw her as the hacker. In their world, Buffy was the center. In
Ozs world, it was Willow. He needed to grieve on his own.
Angel remained in the floor. Willow. Sweet
Willow. His heroine. Gone.
After a few minutes of silence, Cordelia spoke.
"Why dont we just do the ritual
thingy on her?"
Four heads spun to stare at her.
"Why do you all always look at me like
"Why the hell not? It worked on
dead-boy over there
" Xander screamed, seemingly oblivious to the glare he was
receiving from Angel.
because its just
too dangerous. And she still wont be Willow. Shell still be a
"We could help her, Giles," Buffy
told her Watcher.
we cant do it
anyway. None of us knows the ritual. Willow had memorized it and got rid of the disk
" he nodded towards Angel.
"No, she didnt. I have the
disk," Angel spoke quietly.
This time everyone turned to stare at
"She came to see me after I
again. She wanted to check up on me, see how I was, and she brought
the disk with her. I wanted her to destroy it, but she wouldnt. She wanted me to
have it for some reason. She was adamant about it. Maybe she knew something
it in a drawer and hadnt even thought about it until now."
"Then lets do it," Xander hissed.
"Its not that easy,
Xander," Angel finally spoke to him, "Do you have any idea what it will do to
her to get her soul back?"
"Screw you, Angel. If it was Buffy,
youd be all for it."
"Hes right, Xander," Buffy
told him, "this is Willow were talking about here. Willow. Imagine how she will
"Could you kill her, Buffy?"
Cordelia spoke again, "You couldnt kill Angel, and I know that you love Willow
just as much. Could you kill her if you had to? Would you all please stop staring at
"My God, shes right,
Buffy," Giles said, "None of us could kill her
it wouldnt hurt to try. Angel, well need your help."
I know where she is.
Ill get her away from them
I-I can help her
"Tonight," Buffy said, "We
have to do this tonight
before she gets her first kill. She couldnt live with
herself if she killed someone."
"Right. Lets get started."
Angel looked towards the windows and saw
the sun starting to rise. Buffy noticed.
"Cmon, Angel, Ill go back
to your place with you to get the disk. You can meet us back here right after sunset
The rest of the day was spent in
preparation. Giles was familiar enough with the ritual to understand the basics of what
was going to happen. The rest of the gang spent the day studying it with him.
Angel spent the day pacing his apartment.
Rest was out of the question. He knew what was about to happen to Willow. Being changed
into a vampire isnt that horrific because you lose your soul. You lose the ability,
the desire, to care about what happens. Your whole life instantly becomes a quest for
blood. The demon is in control. But what was going to happen tonight would be so
different. Willow, if the ritual was successful, and if they were early enough,
wouldnt have the guilt that Angel carried with him. She had never harmed a soul in
her life. But, realizing that she could never be the same person she was before would
devastate her. And Angel knew that he was the only person on Earth that could help her.
As soon as the sun went down, he returned
to the library. A sense of urgency surrounded them all. Angel left immediately to find
to get her away from Spike and Dru. The night before, he had discovered their
lair. He waited in the shadows until the threesome emerged.
A shock jolted Angel as he looked at
Willow. She was no longer the same Willow that saved his soul. Hungry for her first kill,
she was already wearing her game face. It appeared that Dru had dressed her. She looked
like a Victorian porcelain doll with a monsters face.
He noticed Drusilla sniff the air. She
would know that he was near.
"Angel? Angel, my love? Come out, come
out, wherever you are
come meet your little Willow
Angel stepped from the shadows.
"You know Im not letting you
"Cmon, Angelus," Spike told
him, "Dru and I are both strong now
you cant defeat both of us. Give it
up, old friend
"Not without a fight, Spike. You know
me better than that," With that warning, the fight began.
The three vampires were engaged in battle,
with neither side gaining any ground when suddenly Spike jumped back.
"Shes gone," he said.
Angel and Dru stopped fighting and looked
around them. Willow had disappeared off into the night.
"Oh, Im so proud of her,"
Drusilla drawled, "Our little Willow, going off on her first kill all by her
Angel took off running. He knew that the
ritual would have begun by now, and he had to find Willow before she regained her soul. He
knew that she couldnt be alone when that happened.
The ritual was in full force. Buffy was
guarding the door, as Giles, Xander, Cordelia and Oz performed the ritual. A few more
minutes and it would all be over.
Willow flew into an alley, unable to ignore
the searing pain anymore. All she wanted was blood. All she wanted was to kill. She was
nearly paralyzed, though. Slumping to the ground, she didnt notice the figure
standing at the mouth of the alley watching her
watching what he had gone through
only a month before.
Angel began to hear the sobs, watching her
body shake as the realization dawned on her. He knelt beside her, and pushed her hair from
"Willow?" he asked gently.
"Angel?" she looked up into his
face, "Oh, Angel, whats happened?" she wailed.
He took her in his strong arms,
I know, I know."
Willow cried for what seemed to be hours,
while Angel held her tight. Gradually, her cries subsided as she wore herself out. Angel
knew that she would be hungry.
"Willow, youve got to eat."
"NO! No, Angel, NO!"
"Willow, you have to
Ill take you back to my place
" Willow was too weak to protest any
further. Angel helped her to her feet, and held her in his arms as they walked back to his
apartment. By this point, Spike and Dru would have figured out what had happened, and he
felt certain that they would be coming after them soon. Thankfully, the same rules applied
for vampire homes as well as mortal homes. Spike and Dru wouldnt be able to enter
his apartment without an invitation.
Once they reached the apartment, Willow
curled up on the couch. Angel went to the fridge and grabbed a pint of blood for her.
"Willow, you have to. I know you
dont want to, but you have to. I know its hard to understand now, but
youll feel better afterwards, I promise," he pleaded with her.
no, Angel," he waved
the cup under her nose, and she began to smell it.
Angel knew her resolve was weakening. The scent of the blood would be too much for her to
resist. She looked so pale and frightened, and alone. Angel left her with the cup in her
hands, knowing that she would drink, and went to the phone. He dialed the library and
Buffy answered the phone.
"Angel? Do you have her? Is she
the ritual worked,
but I wouldnt exactly say that shes OK."
"Why? What do you mean?"
"Buffy, shes just realizing that
shes a vampire. Im afraid that shes going to need some time before she
can face anyone
you should just go home. All of you. Spike and Dru are going to be
incredibly pissed off, and I dont think any of you are really safe right now.
Ill take care of Willow
For some reason, Buffy was suddenly
overcome with pangs of jealousy. She knew that Angel didnt feel anything but
friendship towards Willow, but she still didnt like the thought of her being alone
with him. She shook it off, though. This was Willow she was talking about, after all
Angel was right. She did feel better
more human again, if that was possible. The taste wasnt as bad as she thought it was
going to be. < Because I needed it. > She looked around the apartment, taking in the
surroundings. Angel was whispering into the phone. She watched as he talked. He looked
different to her now
she had always felt a bond with Angel. Same with Buffy. They
were all outsiders, none of them wanted to be who they were. But this was different. She
felt that she was a part of Angel now. And she felt so distanced from Buffy. And the
she realized that there was no connection there now. Xander
felt pangs in her heart when she thought of Xander. Would he hate her the same way he
Angel hung up the phone and went back to
the couch with Willow.
"Um, well, Angel
thanks. I guess
I should be going home
" she started to rise from the couch.
"Home, Angel, Ive got to go
Angel grabbed one of her hands, pulling her
back down on the couch, "Willow, you cant go home. You know that."
where will I go?"
she began to sniffle again.
"Youll stay here with me
for forever if necessary."
I cant stay
"Willow, calm down and talk to me. I
know what youre going through. I can help you. I will help you."
"Angel, I cant do this to you. I
cant be your burden. Youve got too much other stuff going on than worrying
about me. Ill be OK
"You saved me. I wont let you go
through this alone. Dont you realize how important you are to me?"
"Im just Buffys
"Oh, come on, Willow
you are so
much more than that. Youre the one thats always had faith in me. Even after
Buffy lost it, you held on. You kept searching for the restoration ritual. You almost died
performing that ritual. For me. And you did it twice. For me. Willow, youve been
there for me when no one else was. When I didnt deserve it. Theres no way
Im letting you go through this alone."
"Angel, thats really sweet
but youre still trying to put your own life back together. I-I dont need you
to baby-sit me."
"Willow, would you stop being so damn
stubborn? You cant do this on your own. You dont know how. I know youve
seen a lot over the past couple of years, but you just really cant imagine how hard
it is to be a vampire. Have you even stopped to consider this? The sun
sun? Youll never be able to see that again. Mirrors
forget seeing your
reflection ever again. Your family, Willow. You can never, ever go home again
"Angel, stop it," Willow cried,
"Stop saying those things
"See, Willow?" he took her into
his arms again, "You cant do this alone. You just cant. Please let me
"I want to die
Angel knew that this would be coming. Once
the realization of what she was started to set in, her first reaction would be to want to
commit suicide. It was only natural, and perfectly understandable. Willow was dead. She
still had her body and soul, but she was dead. Her heart no longer beat. She would never
see daylight again. Never be married, never have children, never see her family. Never
have any semblance of a normal life again. Of course, she wanted to die.
"Willow, you cant
what youre thinking, and believe me, I understand, but you cant
"Why not, Angel? Tell me why not! You
have a reason for living," she sobbed, "you have Buffy. I have nothing."
"Bullshit! For starters, I dont
things havent been the same between us since I returned, and
theyll never be the same again. We feel responsible for each other, but what we have
is not love anymore. And you have Oz
and Xander, whod never admit it, but he
loves you, too. You should have seen him last night
"But Oz and Xander both loved the old
God, Angel, you should understand that better than anyone. Im not what
they fell in love with
Angel, just let me die."
Angel grabbed Willow by the shoulders and
shook her violently, "I cant let you die, Willow. I cant. Dont you
understand that I need you, too? Ive never before had anyone that really understood
me. Someone that knows what it feels like to be a vampire with a soul. I need you. I need
you to stay by my side, to help me get through this, too. Were
this bond. Please, Willow. Please, just try."
Willows sobbing subsided as she
absorbed his words. Angel needed her. Angel wanted to share his world with her. Willow.
Frumpy, dumpy second banana Willow.
"Im so tired, Angel," she
rested her head on his chest.
She had never felt this close to anyone
before. Not even Xander, over all the years that they had been friends. Angel belonged to
Buffy. She knew that what he was asking her for was nothing romantic. Angel wanted a
a friend that understood him, and that was Willow. Maybe that bond was there
even before she was changed into a vampire. At this moment, Willow was too tired to think
anymore. The only thing she wanted was sleep.
"Take the bed, Willow. I can sleep on
"Oh, no, Angel. Youre a lot
taller than I am. You sleep on the bed. Ill be fine on the couch."
Angel grinned at Willow, "Im two
hundred and forty-two years old. I still believe in chivalry. You have to sleep in the
Willow smiled back at him, smiling for the
first time since Spike had changed her. She walked into the bedroom and crawled into bed.
Angel followed her, and tucked her in like a child.
"If you need anything, Im right
in the next room. I wont leave you alone, Willow."
As Angel turned to leave the room, Willow
mumbled, "Buffys so lucky."
"What was that?" Angel turned to
look back at her, not hearing what she had said, but she was fast asleep.
The next few days, Angel and Willow
didnt leave the apartment. The days were spent sleeping, the nights were spent
Willow experienced a thousand different
emotions every second that she was awake and it confused the hell out of her. She missed
Buffy, Oz, Xander, Giles, and Cordelia, but she didnt want see them. It was as if
they were all gone, a part of her former life, which they were. It didnt seem to
matter that they were only minutes away. She missed her family more than anything, and
mourned for her lost parents. She knew that she could never see them again, and allowed
Angel to hold her as she wept for them. She was trying to become used to her new powers.
Angel was guiding her along. He taught her how to do that disappearing thingy that she
used to be so intrigued by when hed do it. He was teaching her how to control the
incredible new strength that she had. Each day that passed, she felt slightly better.
Angel was responsible for all of that.
There was nothing that she could say or do that seemed to shock him. He was by her side
every time she needed him. And when she needed to be alone, he disappeared. It was as if
he could read her mind. He could.
"Angel, I dont get it."
"Get what?" he asked.
"Why you always know just what I need
when I need it."
"Willow, look at me."
They were sitting in the floor, and Angel
was telling her about his life when he was mortal. A silence had fallen over the room as
they both began to grow tired.
"I am looking at you, silly."
"No, Willow, sit here right in front
of me and look me straight in the eye."
Willow sat cross-legged and stared into his
"Dont think about anything, OK,
< You can hear me, cant you? >
"Of course I can hear you. Youre
sitting right in front of me."
< Willow, Im not talking. >
Willow jumped out of her skin, "Stop
that! Dont do that!"
"I cant help it, Willow, and
neither can you."
"You can read my mind," Willow
"Its not exactly like that.
Its not mind reading. Ive never experienced anything like this before. It must
have something to do with the ritual. I can only hear thoughts that are directed at me,
and you can only hear thoughts that I direct at you. I cant just tell what
< Thank God
> Willow thought.
"I heard that."
"Stop it, Angel, I mean it."
"Then stop thinking thoughts that are directed at me," he replied, slightly
"Dont you dare laugh at me,
Angel, or Ill
"Youll what, Willow?" he
was laughing now.
< Ill turn you into a toad as soon
as I figure out how
"Were vampires, Will. Not
< Did he just call me Will?
Has he ever called me that before
"Did you hear that?" she asked.
"Oh, good," she sighed, "I
was thinking to myself. And anyway
one of us is a witch."
< This could be fun, Willow
could come in handy sometime
> He thought
< How about if were having a
conversation, and we dont do this, OK? > She thought.
"Its kinda creepy," she
"As you wish," he sighed with a
smile, "Hey, when are you going to want to see everybody. You know that theyre
youre going to have to do it sometime."
"I know, Angel. Im just so
scared. What are they going to think? Will they be repulsed? Will they try to act like
nothing has happened? I-I dont even know if I want to see them again."
I really do. But
you really have to see them. They love you."
"They loved Willow
not that same Willow anymore."
"Yes, you are. More than you realize.
You are still inside there
the demon took over, but it never got the chance to take
hold of you. It never got a chance to affect who Willow is."
Willow sat silently with her thoughts for a
few moments, "Maybe tomorrow night? Do you think its safe for us to leave
"Ill protect you
youre a lot stronger than you realize."
< I wont let anything happen to
"Stop that!" Willow laughed.
Angel made sure that Willow was sleeping
before he called Buffy. He wanted the others to be expecting her tomorrow night, so that
it would lessen the trauma of the experience for her. The less shocked they seemed to see
her, the more comfortable shed be.
"How is she, Angel?" Buffy asked.
still not great.
Shes actually laughed a couple of times. I think that seeing you guys will do her
good. Shes so worried about what youre all going to think of her."
"Shes still Willow, though,
right? I mean, basically?"
"A very melancholy Willow, but still
you were right about
Spike and Drusilla being pissed. Theyve been wreaking havoc all over town the past
couple of nights."
"I figured as much. Were going
to have to figure out something to do about those two."
"As soon as I can get close enough to
them, theyre dust, I swear."
"Ill see you tonight, Buffy."
"I miss you, Angel."
"I miss you, too."
After he hung up the phone, he realized
that he was lying. He didnt miss Buffy. He had hardly thought about her the past few
days, which was really a relief. Worrying about Willow as much as he was, he didnt
have time to feel all the guilt about Buffy and everything he had done. Buffy would always
be a constant reminder of his demon. And he knew, although shed never admit it, that
he would always be a constant reminder of his demon for her, too.
His thoughts were punctured by screams
coming from the bedroom. He knew immediately that Willow was having a nightmare. He raced
into the room and shook her awake.
Willow, wake up.
Youre just dreaming."
She woke up still screaming and shaking in
"Hey, come on, calm down
its OK, I promise
Its not real."
"Yes, it is, Angel. It is real,"
she sobbed, "Im a vampire. I am a vampire."
"Willow, I know its hard to see
this right now, but there are worse things than being a what we are."
"Yeah, like what?"
< Like having no soul
I didnt mean to
"Its all right. Im just
thankful that you never got a chance to be what I was."
< Did you think that Im as
horrible as you seem to think you are? > He asked her silently, unintentionally.
I never thought you
were horrible, except, when, uh, you know
you were Angelus."
"I didnt even mean to ask you
that was unfair
its just that you and I are the same now, I
guess, and Im watching you every day, beating yourself up, thinking youre such
a monster, and you never thought that about me. At least, I dont think you did.
Maybe you did without realizing it."
"No, I didnt. You were always so
caring and so concerned about Buffy. I swear, I didnt think badly of you. I
< I wished I were Buffy
"Oh my God
" she said, "Did you hear that?"
"No," Angel lied, "Hear
I didnt know
vampires had nightmares."
"I have them all the time
mortals, sleep is just another state of consciousness for us. We sleep, we dream, we have
"Great. The one part of being mortal
that I hated is the one part that I get to keep."
"Lie down and go back to sleep,"
Angel smiled warmly at her, "Im right in the next room
If you have
another one Ill be right here again," he started walking towards the door.
< Dont leave me, Angel. >
Angel turned back to face her, mouth
slightly open, not knowing what to say.
"Angel, I didnt mean to do
It just happened. Sorry."
"Willow, if you want me to stay here
with you, just tell me."
"No, Im fine, Angel
little scared. Im fine, though."
> He thought at her,
pulling back the covers and climbing into bed beside her.
"Angel, you really dont have to
I mean, you know, Ive never been in bed with a guy before, not even
Oz, even though I thought about it a couple of times, OK, maybe more than a couple, and
Xander of course, I mean, I didnt sleep with Xander, well, we did when we were kids,
but, wait, no, thats sounds gross, Xander and I slept in the same bed, but we
didnt sleep together, you know
"Willow, shut up," Angel laughed,
turning to face away from her, "just go to sleep."
< Thank you. >
< Youre welcome. >
The next evening, as soon as the sun went
down, Willow and Angel went to the library. Willow had changed her mind, and was trying to
worm her way out of it, but Angel wouldnt let her, practically dragging her.
Pulling her through the library doors, she
and Angel came face to face with the Slayer, the Watcher, and the Slayerettes. Willow felt
totally unconnected to them, no sense of anything familial. Buffy was the first to
approach her, putting her arms around Willows neck and hugging her tightly. Willow
responded, lightly, not knowing how tightly she could hug a mortal, not understanding her
She was next approached by Oz, who tried to
"No!" she pulled away.
< Get me out of here
< Hey, I dont really want to be
here either. >
< Then lets leave
< No, Willow
we cant just
run away. You have to face this. Even if it is for the last time. You have to have this
"What are you two doing?" Giles
voice interrupted their thoughts.
"You can read each others minds,
The others in the room stood silently
staring at the threesome.
< Angel? > Willow pleaded.
"Were not reading each
others minds, Giles, were talking," Angel tried to explain.
"What do you mean, talking?"
"I mean that we can talk to each
"Telepathically," Willow helped
"Oh, this is great," Buffy
"What?" Angel turned to face her.
"My boyfriend has a psychic connection
with my best friend."
" Angel said.
"No, dont. This is all too
"Thanks, Buffy," Willow
interjected, tears beginning to creep from her eyes, "You think this is creepy for
you, try being me
"Hey, if I were, maybe Id get to
spend a little time with Angel
"Buffy, shut the hell up," Oz
popped out of his trance.
"Oz!" Buffy shot back.
"Hey, everybody just calm the hell
down," It was the first time that Xander had spoken.
He walked over to Willow and put his arms
" She pulled
away and disappeared in an instant.
"This was a bad idea," Angel
said, "Willow was ready for this, but I can see that you guys werent."
Angel disappeared, too, leaving the library
door swinging on its hinges.
He caught up with Willow before she got
more than two miles from the school.
Grabbing her by the shoulder, he spun her
around to face him.
"Youre fast, Will, but Im
still faster than you
"God, Angel, that was horrible."
"It was. Im sorry. I
shouldnt have dragged you along."
"No, it was necessary. I needed to see
them all like that. Together. Without me."
now I can move on. I
want to leave Sunnydale."
"Just like that, huh?"
"Angel, everythings changed. If
I stay here, I will never escape them. I want
need to be away from the Hellmouth.
Away from all this evil. I have to go someplace where I can learn to be me
"Maybe youre right
just cant leave like this. You have to talk to them. Despite the way they acted back
there, they do love you."
"Maybe I should go see them
try talking to them alone."
"That would probably be a good idea.
Lets get back to the apartment and you can start thinking of where you want to
"I already know
I want to go to
Wales. Ive always wanted to live in the Welsh countryside, Angel."
He smiled at Willow
Vampire or not,
she was still every bit Willow, "Youll love Wales. Its beautiful.
Itll suit you perfectly."
When they reached the apartment, Angel
wanted to explain to Willow what would be involved in moving to Wales.
"I thought that youd just pack
me up in a big box and Fed-Ex me over there."
there are much easier ways for us to travel
"Us? Youre not going!"
"Of course I am."
"Well then Im not going. Or
Ill sneak off without you," Willow plastered her most stubborn look across her
< You arent responsible for me. I
dont need you feeling sorry for poor little Willow
"Will, Im going because I want
to go. Because you need me, and I need you, and a big change of scenery will do us both
"What about Buffy? Youre just
going to leave her?"
"Yep. You have to admit that Ive
caused her nothing but trouble. Nothing is the same between us anymore, Willow. I want to
get away from her
Willow knew that he was serious. He
wasnt doing this for Willow. This was something that he needed to do for himself.
"So, Angel, how do we get there?"
"On a boat?"
for a couple hundred bucks
we can stow away on a big tanker. We can pack enough blood to feed off of until we get
there. Sleep in the bow during the day, and we can prowl the decks at night. I think
youll enjoy it. The ocean is beautiful at night."
are there many vampires
"You scared of them, arent
"I know that Spike and Dru would love
to kill me."
"No, there arent many in Wales.
And theyre mostly very old vampires that only hunt for food. But you are right to be
scared of Spike and Dru. Im afraid that they may try to follow us."
"What are we going to do?"
"Buffy is probably out hunting them
"Buffy probably wishes that they would
kill me. Why is she so jealous of me?"
"Because deep down inside, she knows
that I dont want her anymore. And if she looked a little further inside of herself,
shed discover that she doesnt want me anymore, either."
"But why, Angel. You two were so in
love. How could all of that just suddenly change?"
"There was nothing sudden about it,
< Why do you suddenly keep calling me
Will? You never called me that before I changed
< Because I like the way you blush when
I say it
"Buffy and I started falling out of
love the second you restored my soul."
"But why? What you had was so
"All the things that happened while I
was Angelus drove a wedge between the two of us that can never be removed no matter how
hard we try. I know that and she knows that. Shes just a little more reluctant to
give it up than I am. So, leaving town will be best for all of us."
"I want to not have to worry about
Spike and Drusilla coming after us
"You want to try and kill them,
Willow?" he chuckled.
"No," she replied seriously,
"I want to restore their souls."
"Sorry, Will, but you are."
"Cmon, what makes it such a bad
"Youre going to have to be a
little bit more specific than that
"Look, Willow, Spike never had a soul
to begin with. He was a mean son of a bitch from the start. I doubt that restoring his
soul would do much of anything."
"But, it wouldnt hurt to
< Wouldnt hurt to try, my
remember what happened the first time you tried it on me? Hurt like Hell,
didnt it? >
"And restoring Drusillas soul
certainly wont make her sane again. Dont forget that shes nutty as a
"Angel, weve got to try
its the only way to be free of them."
"Willow, lets just move to Wales
and try to forget about them for a few centuries, OK?"
"No, Angel, not OK. Most definitely
not OK. Ive made up my mind and Im going to do thiswith or without your
"Youre going to need more help
than I can give you. Youre going to need Buffy and Giles."
"So, youre going to let me do
this?" she asked gleefully.
"I didnt think you were giving
me a choice!"
"I got a visit from Angel and Willow
" Giles told Buffy.
"What? Is she OK? Are they OK? Where
"Calm down, Buffy. They will be paying
you a visit, too."
"Whats going on?"
"Theyre leaving the
"They are leaving the country. And I
honestly believe that its for the best."
"How can you say that, Giles?"
"Because neither of them can have any
sort of a life here."
"Bullshit, Giles! I cant believe
that youd support this
"Buffy, sit down now and you listen to
me!" Buffy had rarely seen Giles this angry.
"Maybe you do love Angel
maybe you dont. But the fact is that when he became Angelus everything changed, and
nothing will ever be the same again."
"OK, Giles, fine
you that one. But what about Willow?"
"Staying here would be nothing but a
constant reminder of her life. The life that she can never have back. She couldnt
stay here, watching you and Oz, Xander and Cordelia grow up and grow old
her family, knowing that she can never be a part of that again. Buffy, think about this
logically and clearly. She cant stay here."
Buffy was crying silent tears now.
"Thats not all, Buffy. They need
your help before they go."
"Help with what?"
"Theyre going to attempt to
restore Spike and Drusillas souls."
"No way. No. I will not do that for
"For who? Angel and Willow?"
"No, Spike and Dru. They dont
deserve to have souls. They deserve to be dusted."
"Im afraid Willow has her mind
set on it. No one has had any luck, uh, dusting them yet, and she doesnt want to
have to try learning to be what she is now with those two constantly chasing them around
"Jesus, whats she gonna do
go running around saving the souls of all the vampires that Im supposed to be
"Very Willow of her, isnt
Buffy spun around to see Angel standing
there. She hadnt heard him enter the library.
"Hey, Buff. I take it Giles has filled
you in on Willows plans?"
"I dont like it, Angel. I
wont be any part of it."
"Giles, could I talk to Buffy
" Giles went into
his office and shut the door.
"So, where is the little woman?"
"Buffy, would you get over this loony
jealousy thing? This is Willow were talking about."
Buffy sighed, "I know, Angel. But, you
know, my world is falling apart here, too."
Angel chuckled, "Youll excuse me
if I dont feel a lot of sympathy for you right now.
Willow is the one that this is affecting, remember? Willowsweet, na´ve, innocent
Willow is a vampire now. Do you think that just maybe you could quit thinking about
yourself for a little while?"
"When did you quit loving me,
lets not do this
"No, Angel, lets do. I think
this is a perfectly good time to talk about this. When did you stop loving me?"
"Its not that simple. I love
you, Buffy, and I always will, but not in the same way as before. Everything has
You know that as well as I do."
"Angel, why?" Tears sprang to
"You know all the reasons. Youre
the slayer. My presence in your life is a distraction.
How many times have you almost died because of me?"
"Ill die without you,
"Buffy, stop it. You were without me
for months and you survived. Quit fooling yourself
were not the same as we
were before, and we never will be again. We need to be away from each other. Cant
you see that?"
Buffy threw her arms around his neck,
"Ill never forget you, Angel. Ill always love you."
"Will you help us, Buffy? Will you
help us restore Dru and Spikes souls?"
"This is so much harder than I thought
it was going to be
"Will, you can still change your
"I guess even a vampire woman has the
prerogative to change her mind, huh?"
Angel placed his hands gently on her
shoulders, "So, do you want to change your mind?"
A heavy sigh escaped Willows lips,
"No, Angel, I dont. The only things I want to change, I cant. I
cant be mortal anymore. I cant get a tan. I cant have babies
< Im still a virgin
Angel laughed, "Willow, in case
youve forgotten a very important detail in my past history with Buffy, vampires can
still have sex."
"Yeah, but whod want to? I mean,
I dont mean whod want to have sex with you, I mean whod want to have sex
with me? Nobody wanted to when I was mortal, so who would want to now that Im not?
Its not exactly like I can just hang out in singles bars and pick up guys,
right? Or can I
"You could, but I hope you
wont," he chuckled, "Thats not you, and I hope it never will
< I cant believe that Im
talking to you about sex, Angel. >
< Does it make you more comfortable if
we dont talk about it out loud? >
He smiled warmly at her.
< Well, yes, a little
does seem kind of silly. >
"Angel, if we restore Spike and
Drusilla, will they talk to us this way, too?"
but I think it only
works when were in close proximity. When you were running away from the library the
other night, could you hear me calling you back?"
"I think thats probably because
you were too far away from me. So
unless youre planning on traveling the world
with Spike and Dru, we should be safe from their thoughts."
I really dont like
the thought of sharing my brain with Drusilla. Shes spooky."
"Thats putting it
< Please try not to ever go so far away
from me that you cant hear me
< I wont. I promise. >
Two weeks later, the entire group found
themselves in the library again. Word had spread through Buffy and Giles of Willow and
Angels plans to restore Dru and Spike and leave the country. A sad fog hung over
everyone, especially Oz.
"Im gonna miss you,
"Then dont go, Willow."
"I have to
"No. I didnt bail on everyone
when I found out that Im a werewolf."
"This is so different. Im a vamp
24/7, not a couple of nights a month. Im dead. I will never, ever again have any
semblance of a normal life. I have to leave here, Oz
not because I want to, but
because I have to."
"Ill wait for you then.
Ill wait until you come back
until you feel at home in your, uh, new
Im not coming back.
Ever. Im so sorry
I hate hurting you," Willow began to sniffle.
"Willow, dont cry
sorry. Im just being my selfish werewolf self. I love you and I dont want to
"This is beyond my control
yours, too. It just
it just has to be this way."
> Angel interrupted her
talk with Oz.
< What? >
< We have to get this ritual
there will, hopefully, be time for good-byes afterwards
< Im scared, Angel
< Theres still time to forget
about this and hop on the boat
< NO! No, were going to do
Im going to do this. >
"Um, excuse me
vocally exploded into their quiet conversation, "Would you two mind letting the rest
of us know whats going on?"
"Im starting the ritual,"
Willow answered, "The rest of you just guard the doors and windows
The ceremony was performed without a hitch.
No vampires, no Spike, no Drusilla. Nothing to try to prevent the ritual from taking
place. Whether it was because the ritual didnt work or not, no one knew.
"Well, that was disgustingly
uneventful," Buffy said, "Think it worked?"
"Yes," Willow spoke up quietly.
"How do you know for sure?" Cordelia asked.
"Because Spike is her sire,"
Angel answered for her, "She can feel him, just as I can feel both of them because I
"They have their souls?" Xander
asked, "This should be interesting
All members in the room felt that they hadnt heard the end of Spike and Dru.
"Interesting or dangerous
told you all before the ceremony began, Spike never had much of a soul in the first place.
And Dru is completely insane, soul or no soul."
< We have to go, Will
< Oh, God, Angel
think I can
> Blood red tears began to form in Willows eyes.
< You have to, Willow. This was your
decision, and it was the right decision. Its going to be all right. We cant
change our minds now
you know that. >
"Willow, whats wrong?"
Buffy asked, noticing the tears beginning to stream down her friends face.
Willow and Angel hadnt told anyone
that they were leaving that night. The pain would be too hard for everyone to deal with,
and the ability to concentrate on the restoration ritual would be broken.
"Were leaving, Buffy. Tonight.
"No, you cant," Xander
leaped from his chair, "Its too soon."
"Im sorry, Xander, but we have to," Angel spoke.
Willow couldnt stand it any longer.
With her newly honed disappearing skills, she was suddenly gone from the library.
Buffy jumped up to run after her, but Angel
stopped her, "Buffy, dont. Shes not strong enough for this emotional of a
goodbye. Shes right outside waiting for me, and she wants me to deliver her
good-byes for her."
Willow was speaking to Angel, sobbing. It
broke his heart to be able to hear and feel her misery.
< No, Angel, I cant do it
not even from here. I cant. Please, please just tell them that I love them all, and
that I will miss them so, so much
Please, Angel, please, dont make this any
harder for me
< Hang on, Will. Hold it together for
me. Give me two minutes and Ill be out there with you, OK? Willow? Tell me
youre OK. Will? >
< Im not OK, Angel. Im not.
> He could feel the sobs wreaking her body
< But I will be, Angel, as soon as
we are away from here
"I-Im sorry, guys," Angel
muttered, "She just cant say goodbye right now. She says to tell you all that
she loves you and that shell miss you
"What about you, Angel?" Buffy
asked, tears streaming down her face, "Will you miss m
"Buffy, I thought that we went through
this already. You know how I feel about you
how Ill always feel about
"Angel?" Buffy whispered, but he
was already gone.
He stood in front of the school, holding
Willow in his arms as she wailed.
< It hurts
Oh my God, it
> she cried to Angel over and over.
That night, Angel ushered Willow away from
Sunnydale. They drove to the coast, to the harbor where Angel had made the arrangements
for their departure. Just before dawn, he led her aboard a huge oil tanker that was
getting ready to sail around the world to the United Kingdom. Willow was going to be
traveling through parts of the world that she had only dreamed about, around the coast of
Mexico, Central America, through the great Panama Canal, and across the Atlantic Ocean to
their final destination. And the only thing she would be able to see would be the black
ocean at night.
Angel had painstakingly planned every
detail of the expedition, wanting the journey to be as easy on Willow as possible.
Arranging for their accommodations aboard the ship had been costly, but would be worth it.
The crew of any major vessel such as this was a surly bunch, and the amount of money waved
before their faces by Angels lawyers assured the pair of uncommon luxury about this
tanker. The trip would last nearly a month, and they wouldnt be able to leave the
ship at all during this time. A huge bedroom had been quietly installed, quietly hidden
away deep in the bowels of the ship. A gigantic bed. A television, with a wide assortment
of videos for her to watch. Books, a computer. Angel would be bringing their supply of
blood on board himself. As far as the crew of the ship were concerned, Angel and Willow
were a couple of too rich school kids out looking for adventure. They were too stupid to
question why a lawyer would be involved with this ridiculous story. None of this mattered
to Angel. The small fortune that he had spent would be worth it, if it made Willows
life any easier.
The money was insignificant to him. Bill Gates could fool himself into believing he was
the richest man on earth, but, in truth, there was several dozen vampires around the world
that had amassed huge amounts of money that would make Gates look like a pauper. Money
that would never be noticed, never be missed, scattered around the four corners of the
world in forgotten bank accounts and trusts and businesses waiting to be claimed by their
masters. Angel wasnt one of the wealthier vampires, but he had enough money built up
to spend several lifetimes in the lap of luxury, and the interest alone on these accounts
could keep him for several more lifetimes.
Angel hadnt told Willow many of the
details of the trip, other than he promised her it wouldnt be horrible. He led her
into the area in which they would be living for the next month. Even though she no longer
needed to draw breath, she couldnt contain the gasp that escaped her lips. The walls
had been painted white, and lamps and lights were placed everywhere, trying to give the
room a bright, airy feel. The huge king size bed was draped with a white comforter and
white pillows. There were vases of fresh flowers that Angel knew wouldnt survive
more than a few days, but he didnt care. There was a huge desk with a massive
computer for Willow, and a bookshelf full of books and movies. Willow couldnt
believe her eyes, and that Angel had done all this for her
"For us," he said, reading into
her thoughts as he dropped the huge cooler full of blood onto the floor, "Mostly for
you, but I want to be comfortable, too," he winked at her.
Willow managed a melancholy grin at her companion. She had cried herself to sleep once
they left Sunnydale, and had slept all the way to the harbor. She hadnt spoken much
as Angel led her to their quarters, barely saying a word to him.
"Angel, Im sorry I was such a
poop-head back at the library
" she told him as she went to sit on the big bed.
"Poop-head? Did my traveling companion
just refer to herself as a poop-head?" Angel teased as he followed her to the bed and
sat beside her, taking one of her hands in his.
it was a lot
harder than I thought it was going to be
" he traced small
circles on the back of her hand with his fingers, "it was difficult for me, too.
are the closest thing Ive had to a family since I was
"Angel, Im so sorry for taking
no, Willow, youre not
taking me away. My life in Sunnydale, for all intents and purposes, ended when the curse
was broken and I became Angelus. Even if this hadnt happened to you, I would have
still had to leave."
"Angel, its just not
"Willow, nothing that has happened to
either of us has been fair. But, its time for us to start over, and maybe, just
maybe, together the two of us can find a little happiness."
Willow laid her head on Angels
shoulder as he continued caressing her hand. She closed her eyes, slowly feeling herself
beginning to drift away inside of Angels touch,
"Youll be sick of me by the time we reach Wales
youll leave me
behind as soon as you can escape from this ship
wont happen, Will.
Were bonded, you and I. I know that we werent thrown together by choice, but,
Willow, dont you know what you mean to me?"
"Im the geeky, mousy friend of
the love of your life
"Wrong. Youre my friend. My only friend. The only one that never gave up on me.
Twice you performed the ritual to bring me back. You never lost faith in me, when everyone
else did, including Buffy."
Willow unconsciously snuggled against him.
"Willow, Im going to tell you
something that Ive been keeping to myself, and its probably going to make you
madder than hell at me, but I need you to know."
The serious tone of his voice made Willow sit up and take notice. She looked Angel in the
eye, waiting for whatever bombshell he was about to drop on her.
< I spied on you
"WHAT?! What do you mean?"
"As Angelus, I used to lurk outside
your bedroom watching you, listening to you. You were supposed to be my first target,
remember? I knew that it would hurt Buffy the most if I killed you first
"Dont say I, Angel.
That was Angelus, not you
"Will, it was
I watched you,
every night. Maybe it was Angelus, but I was still inside this body, too, and I saw
everything that he saw."
"You saw me naked," Willow drew
away from him, shocked.
Angel couldnt stop the chuckle that
escaped his lips, "Yes, I did, Will. Many times. But, Willow, thats
"Oh my God," she cut him off,
"Nobody has ever seen me naked," she buried her face in her hands, mortified.
Angel rose from the bed and knelt on the
floor in front of her, pulling her hands away from her face, "Willow, I am so, so
sorry. It was a horrible thing to do, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. God,
youre beautiful. You have a beautiful, exquisitely perfect body
"Stop it, Angel. Dont lie to
"Damn it, Willow, you have spent so
many years pining away for that idiot Xander that you cant see yourself for what you
are. So many years of rejection from that moron that couldnt see what was right in
front of him. Willow, you have to believe me. Not only are you the most beautiful person
Ive ever met on the inside, but you are beautiful on the outside, too. Willow, look
at me," he released his grip on her hands and took her face between his hands
instead, forcing her to look at him, "You are beautiful. You are. Please, believe
me," he pleaded.
"Why are you telling me this?"
she asked as red tears began to spill down her cheeks.
"Will, it gets worse. Much, much
worse. I saw your most private moments. Things that you thought that no one would ever
see, ever know about
Willow lurched away from him suddenly,
launching herself to the far side of the bed, "Oh! Oh, no, Angel, tell me you
"Im so sorry, Willow
swear, if I could take it all back I would
"You know, dont you?"
"Yes," he answered quietly.
"I hate you."
"Will, please let me
"Explain? How the hell can you explain
that? You watched me mastur
Willow wasnt quite the person that
everyone in Sunnydale thought that she was. She had a dark secret, that, until this
moment, she thought was entirely unknown to the rest of the world. From the moment she met
Angel, she had dreamt about him. She never seriously had any feelings for him. She loved
Xander. Then she loved Oz. But Angel was always in the back of her mind. She was a teenage
girl, and when she thought about sex, it wasnt Xander or Oz. It was her best
friends vampire boyfriend. Even after he became Angelus, Willow still fantasized
about Angel. And this secret
the secret Willow planned to never reveal, was suddenly
"Willow, there is nothing wrong with
what you were doing
" Angel foolishly tried to dissuade her anger, "Even
vampires do it
"God, Angel, do you think Im
that big of an idiot? I know that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. The wrong part
comes in masturbating to thoughts of your best friends boyfriend
Angel couldnt hide the smirk on his
"Dont you dare laugh at me, you
son of a bitch," Angel was shocked. He had never heard Willow speak with such
"Im not laughing at you, Will.
" Angel stopped and looked at the extremely embarrassed and
pissed off Willow, "There is nothing I can say right now thats going to make
you feel any better, is there?"
Willow shook her head at him.
Angel sighed, "We should get some
rest. The sun is rising and the ship will be sailing soon."
Willow lay down where she was sitting on
the bed, and rolled over to face away from Angel.
< Willow, Im sorry. >
< Fuck you. >
Willow didnt sleep. She was fairly
well rested from the sleep she had gotten during the trip from Sunnydale to the ocean, and
her mind was spinning. Angel hadnt tried to speak to her any more, realizing that
she needed time to work through her anger at him, and had drifted off into a fitful sleep.
Willow rolled over to watch him, trying to
talk herself out of her anger. Angelus, not Angel. Angelus, not Angel. She reminded
herself over and over that Angel had been an unwilling participant in everything that
Angelus had done. Angel would never intrude on her, or spy on her like that. Only Angelus.
But it didnt help. Angel had seen a part of her that she never wanted anyone to see,
especially not him. She had never felt so humiliated or embarrassed in her life.
Many nights she had brought herself to a
shuddering climax, with thoughts of Angel dancing in her head. Angels lips, his
hands, his eyes. And, even though Angel hadnt said anything about it, she knew that
in these, her most private moments, she could be very vocal. The thought of Angel watching
her while she lay alone on her bed, sometimes on her back, sometimes on her stomach, her
hands thrust between her legs, fingers plunging as deeply as she could inside herself,
crying out his name through clenched teeth, mortified her.
Eventually, Willow rose from the bed and
pulled a book out of the bookcase. She climbed into a big easy chair on the other side of
the room, and tried to read. All she could do was stare at Angels sleeping form on
the bed, and wallow in her embarrassment.
Many hours later, Angel opened his eyes,
immediately focusing on Willow watching him from across the room.
< Willow? > He called out to her.
She lowered her eyes and went back to
trying to read the book without answering him.
He shook his head and got out of bed, walking over to the large wardrobe. He opened the
doors and pulled out some clean clothes for himself.
"Theres a bathroom just down the
corridor, and your clothes are in the wardrobe, too. Im going to take a
" he voice trailed off as he noticed Willow wouldnt even look up to
He returned twenty minutes later. Willow
couldnt help but glance up to see him as he entered their room again. She admired
his wet hair, and his white tee shirt and the way his jeans fit his body as he sat on the
edge of the bed, pulling his shoes and socks on. He pulled a jacket out of the wardrobe
and put it on.
"Im going up on deck for a
while," he started to walk out.
< Youre leaving me down here
Angel stopped in the doorway, but
didnt turn around to face her.
< You hate me, remember? I figured that
you wanted me as far away from you as possible. >
< Fine, then. Go ahead and leave me.
Angel turned back into the room, and pulled
another jacket out of the wardrobe. He walked past Willows chair and grabbed her
hand, dragging her out of the chair and out the door with him. By the time they reached
the deck, Willow was almost running to keep up with him. He turned and tossed the jacket
to her, even though neither could feel the cold temperatures. He strolled over to the
guardrail and looked out over the dark ocean. The moon was shining brightly on the sea,
and Willow was immediately hypnotized by the millions of stars in the sky over their
heads. The pair stood in silence for many long minutes before Willow finally broke out of
her trance and spoke to him.
"Why?" she asked.
"Why what?" Angel turned to look
at her, leaning back on the railing.
"Why did you have to tell me? Why
couldnt you just go on letting me be oblivious to the fact that you know all my
dirty little secrets? Whyd you have to embarrass me so badly?"
"Will, I wasnt trying to
embarrass you. I was trying to make a point
"What point? That Im a
"You are not a pervert. I was trying
to tell you how much you mean to me."
"That is a damn weird way to show it,
"In retrospect, youre completely
right. Look, Willow, heres what I was trying to say to you last night
how you feel about me
or, at least, how you felt about me, and I wanted to let you
know that its OK. That Im OK with that. That you mean the world to me. Jesus,
I sound like an idiot
We have so damn much in common. Were both lost souls.
Were both looking for some sort of unconditional love. We both can never go home
again. Were both desperately lonely, and have been pretty much our whole lives. And
yet, were completely different, too. Youre optimistic, and bubbly, and you try
to see the best in everyone that you meet. Im just the opposite. Except youre
infectious. When Im with you, and Willow, this hasnt changed as long as
Ive known you, you make me want to be more like youhopeful, and open and
accepting. You make me smileeven better, you make me laugh. Even though I hate
whats happened to you, Im so very thankful that I have you. You make me want
to live. Do you understand now?"
Suddenly, a huge grin broke across
Willows face, "I make you happy?"
Angel felt a huge wave of relief wash over
himself, "Yes, Will, you do. Giddy, and silly, and deliriously happy."
"Youre laying it on too
thick," she teased, "Ive never seen you giddy."
"On the inside, then," he grinned
back at her, "Giddy on the inside."
Willow crossed over to where Angel was
leaning on the railing and curled herself into his open arms, which quickly engulfed her
in a tight hug, "Willow, I have so much to teach you and show you about the world and
about being a vampirea souled vampire. It will take us a lifetime to even scratch
the surface. Have you really given much thought about what it means to be immortal?"
Willow squeezed him tightly, "Not
tonight, Angel. Being immortal means that we have forever to talk about this, and tonight,
for right now, I just want to think about being Willow, and being with my Angel
friend, Angel, I mean
" she stammered.
Angel threw his head back and laughed, pulling her closer to him, "I know what you
Willow felt more relaxed and comfortable
than she had in months, maybe years, since she discovered that vampires were real. She was
in a place with the one person that she trusted implicitly with her life, someone that she
loved, a place where, for the time being, no vampires could reach them, going to a place
far away from the monsters of the Hellmouth. She was happy. And feeling brave. Whether is
was something having to do with being a vampire, or whether it was something to do with
being in Angels arms, she didnt care.
< Angel? >
< Can I kiss you? >
Angel didnt answer, and for a moment,
Willow thoughthopedthat he didnt hear her. But then he slowly released
her from his embrace and took her upper arms is his hands, pushing her slightly back away
from him. Willow felt a bolt of searing pain shoot through her heart, thinking he was
But then he gently placed two fingers from
his right hand under her chin and pulled her face towards his.
Willows eyes drifted closed and her
lips parted waiting for the kiss she knew was coming, as he tilted her face back leaning
in to press his lips against hers.
It was a gentle, tender, chaste kiss, but it felt incredible to her. She didnt move
a muscle as Angel continued to press his cold lips against hers. He drew back slightly and
slowly traced the edge of her lips with his tongue. Willow opened her lips a bit more,
allowing her tongue to softly meet his, drawing him into her mouth. It was all happening
in deliciously slow motion, their tongues deliberately snaking together in a sensual
dance. It felt so erotic, so hot, that Willow thought that she would pass out at any
minute. Then Angel tenderly bit down on her lower lip, causing Willow to loudly gasp
against his mouth, her body arching against his, bringing her back to life. She threw her
arms around his neck, pulling herself roughly against his hard body. She entangled her
fingers in his still damp hair, forcing his mouth violently against hers. Angel slipped
his arms around her small waist, his fingers clawing against her back through the jacket
she wore. Feelings Willow had never experienced before began to rip through her body,
something feral and savage, and she knew that Angel felt it, too. Their tongues hungrily,
angrily fought against each other, jockeying for the better position to taste the other
with. Their hands tore at each others bodies, lost in a violent, erotic tango.
Suddenly, Angels words ripped into her head.
< Willow?! Willow, stop! Pull away
She heard him, but couldnt stop.
Didnt want to, couldnt even try.
< Willow? Please, stop. Please
Angel roughly pushed Willow away. Angrily,
she rushed at him again, lost in her passion, but he caught her, and held her at arms
"Willow! Willow, look at me!" he
As he shook her, the fog in her head began
to clear, and she focused on Angels face.
"Oh, my God
" she mumbled,
reaching up to touch her own face.
She realized that sometime during their
kiss, they had both slipped into their game faces. Ashamed, she turned away from him.
"Willow, please dont hide from
me," he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, tightly embracing her from behind,
"This is what we are. This is what happens when vampires make love
got so much to learn about. Youre just not ready for this yet
She sniffled, struggling to hold back her tears, as she felt her game face disappear,
"I wasnt ready for it as a human, and now Im not ready for it as a
Am I destined to be the immortal virgin?"
Angel gently kissed the top of her head,
squeezing her tighter in his arms, "Will, I can promise you with almost one hundred
percent certainty that you will not remain a virgin forever. I know you know all about the
birds and bees, but with vampires, its different
"It wasnt different with Buffy,
He felt her body tense in his arms,
Willow, with Buffy
God, I dont know how to explain this
to make any sense to you
I had sex with Buffy in the very technical, clinical sense
of the word, but it wasnt
"You broke the curse, Angel. You
experienced complete happiness."
"Willow, sex is
even bad sex is
still pretty good. I am a guy, after all," he spun her around to face him, both of
their faces back to normal.
He took her hands in his, and continued,
"If I had made love to Buffy, real vampire love, I would have killed her. You felt
you felt what was just coursing through your body. You wanted to rip me apart,
limb from limb. The more we clawed at each other, the more violent we got, the more
aroused you got. Me, too. Willow, when we make love, I want you to know exactly what to
expect. I dont want you to be shocked by anything that you do to me, or anything
that Im going to do to you. Do you understand me?"
"So, is there like a sex-ed book for
vampires?" she forced a weak grin.
Angel threw his head back and laughed, a real laugh, and held Willow in his arms,
"You do make me happy, Willow. You really do."
The next several weeks passed in a blur.
Willow and Angel had both thought that they would be bored to tears on the boat, but it
turned into an experience neither of them would ever forget. The days were spent sleeping,
on opposite sides of the bed, or reading or, for Willow, surfing the net on the computer.
The nights were spent on deck, usually sitting or lying on a blanket, talking for hours
and hours. Willow wanted to hear every detail of his two hundred and forty plus years, and
Angel was delighted to finally have someone to tell all his stories to, both the good ones
and the many, many bad ones. She felt she was learning every possible thing she would need
to know to live immortally as a vampire. Angel felt that he finally had a partner. Not
some psycho like Dru, or a mortal like Buffy that he could only spend a few years with,
but someone that he could be completely open with. He had reluctantly told Buffy from
stories from his past, but she had mostly learned about him through Giles and his books.
With Willow, the openness seemed natural. He felt that there was nothing that he had to
keep from her, and it made is heart soar. And Willow genuinely wanted to hear every word
he had to say, both because she knew that he needed to unburden himself, and because she
knew that she needed to hear it all for her own good. Not to mention that Angel was a
fascinating storyteller. The Angel that she knew before was quiet and sullen. It was like
pulling teeth to get him to say a complete sentence. Willows Angel was eloquent and
passionate. He spoke with a quiet authority that demanded her attention and she loved him
Physically, they kept their distance, aside
from a few simple kisses shared when their eyes locked onto each other. Willow wanted
Angel badly, and she knew that he wanted her, too. She also was beginning to understand,
though, the need to wait. Willow still had so much to learn about the passion that would
be involved in their lovemaking, and she still held certain doubts about whether or not he
truly loved her, or loved having someone to be with. She had no doubt that he cared deeply
for her, but she also knew how much he had loved Buffy. Angel had lived with his curse for
years, having his soul. Willow had never asked him, but she couldnt imagine that he
wouldnt know what it would be that would end the curse. She had no doubts that he
had loved Buffy enough to be willing to give up his soul for her. He had to have known the
danger inherent in making love to Buffy. Willow knew that the restoration ritual she had
performed was fixed so that it was irreversible. Making love to Willow wouldnt take
his soul away again, but she wanted to be secure in the knowledge that he would give up
his soul to love her if thats what he had to do.
It was way too early in the relationship
for her to broach this subject with him. There would be plenty of time for that later,
once they were settled in Wales, and once she was certain of his commitment to her. She
still didnt understand exactly what Angel meant when he told her that he wanted her
to understand the things she was going to do to him, and the things he was going to do to
her during their lovemaking. The thought scared her. All her young life, she had imagined
what her first time would be like
gentle, and loving. What she knew that her and
Angel would share would be nothing like that. And she wasnt entirely sure that she
would ever be ready for that.
One night, near the end of their voyage, they were lying on the deck, watching the stars.
Among many of the things that Willow was learning about Angel was the he was a master
astronomer. He pointed out the stars and constellations, pointing towards far away
galaxies. Gingerly, in the dark, he reached out and grasped her hand, holding it to his
"Will, you know we can still touch
each other without it during into some violent, erotic lovemaking session..."
"You might be able to, but Im
not sure that I can," she giggled nervously.
"Youre strong, but not strong
enough to take me without my consent
" she saw his grin in the darkness,
"You have learned so much in the past month. Youre going to be fine, with or
"Angel," fear shot through her
heart, thinking he was wanting to leave her.
never have to do it without me. Im staying by your side forever. You have my word on
that. But if you had to, you could
"Dont talk like that, Angel. It
Angel released her hand, and rolled over on
his stomach to look into her eyes. Leaning on his elbows, he gently caressed her cheek,
"Will, Im never leaving you. I want nothing more at this moment in time than to
live a quiet, humble existence with you somewhere in the Welsh countryside. You know that
we cant stay there forever, but wherever we go, it will be together. I dont
want you to be scared of anything ever again."
"I dont know what to say,
"Will, do you know that you talk to me
in your sleep?"
"While you sleep
know if youre dreaming, or if its conscious or not, but you pummel me with
questions. I dont know, I might do the same thing to you
"God, it must be miserable for you
listening to me babble all night
"I cant hear you when Im
sleeping. Only when youre asleep and Im awake, and only when youre in a
very deep sleep."
"What do I ask you, Angel? Or am I
going to be horribly embarrassed again?"
"Everything, Will. Your mind
fascinates me, and I cant wait to start exploring all the dark recesses of your
mind, learning everything that makes you tick
but, mostly, you ask me about
" he grinned at her.
Willow clasped her hands in front of her
face, "Could I be anymore the horny teenager?"
"Is there anything that you want to
ask me, Willow? Now, when were both conscious?"
"Im being serious
what you need to know."
"I cant, Angel
too embarrassing. I cant believe I ask you questions in my sleep."
"Im glad that you do, Will.
Because youre holding back from me. You have questions and fears that youre
not confiding in me."
Willow sat up from her lying on her back,
its OK. I understand.
You dont trust what I feel for you, and I dont blame you. I will always love
Buffy. But, Will, Im not in love with her. I love you, right now, as strongly as I
ever loved Buffy, and I am rapidly falling in love with you. And I know thats just
words, and that I have to prove it to you. In time, I will. But until we get off this
boat, theres not a lot I can do but try and reassure you. You are everything that I
could ever want in an immortal partner, someone to live through eternity with. And I
dont have to be afraid to love you. You are what I am. You are a part of me. I can
love you as freely and as openly as I want, and its something that Ive never
had before. Im not going back to Sunnydale, and Im not going back to Buffy,
"Its not about you going back to
Buffy, Angel. Its about you loving me, for me. Not because Im here, not
because Im a vampire, not because I have a soul. Its about putting me and
Buffy, side by side, or any other woman for that matter, and deciding that you love me
more than anyone else."
Angel grew silent in thought for a few
Willow felt tears beginning to sting her
eyes, "Im sorry, Angel. Thats unfair of me
its too much to
"No, Will, it isnt. You deserve
that, and a hell of a lot more
and I wish I could tell you that, but I just
yet, Willow. Yet."
"No, you dont. I can hear it in
your voice and see it in your eyes
Willow, I do love you. As a friend, Ive
always loved you. And it just seems natural for the two of us to be together now, but you
deserve to have someone that will love you with all the passion and roses and champagne
and moonbeams in the universe
Im sorry, Will
I just cant give you
Tears began streaming down Willows
cheeks as she tried to jump up and run, but Angel grabbed her arm and pulled her back down
, "Dont, Will
dont run away from me. Im sorry I cant
give you the love that you want right now
but can you honestly say that you love me?
I mean, the way that you want me to love you? Think about Oz, and Xander. You loved them,
remember? I was Buffys boyfriend. You may have had sexual fantasies about me, but
that wasnt love."
"Talk to me, Willow. Whatever
youre thinking right now, tell me. Dont close yourself up."
"I want you to make love to me."
"No. Willow, I cant
"Youre right," she cried,
"I dont understand. Show me
" she was yelling at him now, "Show
me what I dont understand."
"It wouldnt be right, and I
wont do that to you. Youre a virgin, and youre first time should be with
someone that you love with all your heart and soul, and someone that loves you back.
Willow, we could have sex, the way humans do, and it would be all sweet and tender
but it wouldnt satisfy you. It would be so wrong
"How could that be wrong,
?" she sobbed.
"Because vampires feed off of each
other during sex, Willow. Are you ready for that? Could you stand it if I sank my fangs
into you? Could you do the same to me? Youve never fed off of the living
its violent, and dangerous, and ugly. But thats the way we get
our most intense sexual release, Willow
could you do that? Do you even want
Willow hung her head and sobbed.
"Please, Willow, listen to me
dont mean to be harsh, but you have to understand
"No, no, I wont," she
cried, "Youre telling me that no one will ever make love to me
immortal, and no one is ever going to love me
"Thats not true, Willow,"
Angel grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, "Youre not human anymore.
Making love doesnt mean what it used to for you. But you have to become used to what
you are first. Its the same as humans not having sex until they mature. You need to
mature as a vampire before you can think of having sex. That day will come, Willow. I
promise. I swear."
Willow fell into Angels arms and he
held her tightly, "Will, please, dont try to rush this. Dont try to do
something that youwerenot ready for. Its going to happen.
Lets just get used to each other
give ourselves time to fall in love."
Willows sobs began to subside as
Angel smoothed her auburn hair down her back.
its OK, Will
I do love you
I never meant to imply that I didnt. We just
well both know when the time is right, Willow
"Angel, I need a little time
"The sun will be coming up soon, Will
you should come down below
"Just a few minutes
Angel gathered their blanket and went below
deck to their compartment. Willow leaned out over the railing and stared out over the vast
ocean, recalling everything that had happened to her in the past six weeks. Six
it seemed like much longer to her. She had barely mourned for her past life.
Being with Angel made it all seem so much easier. Everything that he was sharing with her
fascinated her. The stories, the lives he was carving out for them. Willow couldnt
imagine why he was doing the things he was. She knew from Buffy just how passionately the
two of them had loved each other. Willow had always felt that the two of them were meant
to be. Why was Angel running so far from her? Things had changed. No one could deny that.
Maybe they had changed too much. But if Buffy, and Sunnydale, would prove to be a constant
reminder to Angel of the things Angelus had done, why didnt Willow serve as the same
Willow was more confused than she had ever
been in her short life. Could Angel ever love her the way he had loved Buffy? Did Willow
even want that sort of love? It was a tortured, tormented, passionate love, and it had
hurt them both very deeply. Willow never wanted to cause Angel that sort of pain, and she
knew that Angel cared for her enough to not want her to experience that sort of pain,
either. As miserable as her own life was at this point, she knew that Angels two
hundred forty years had been much, much worse. She loved him. She really and truly did.
Maybe not in the same way she had thought of love all her life. It certainly wasnt
anything like she had ever felt for Oz or Xander. It was something deeper, something more
real. She didnt want to be a burden to him. She loved the idea that she could make
him happy, make him smile. She knew that she was tormenting him now. She was in pain, and
he felt that he was the cause of it. The hardest part of their journey was still ahead of
them. They had to begin their lives in Wales. Willow didnt want to make this a dark
time in their lives. The lighter she could make things between them, the easier this
transition would be for them.
Willow could feel the sun starting to rise
as she made her way below deck. Angel had changed into the silk pajama bottoms that he
slept in and was sitting on the bed, his back against the headboard, reading a book.
He glanced up as Willow entered the room,
wearing the nightgown that she had changed into as she stopped in the bathroom on her way
down the corridor. He could sense a change in Willow immediately, a change from the
distraught, unhappy young woman that he had left on deck earlier. She felt him watching
her as she crossed the room and climbed into the giant bed beside him. She lay on her
side, facing him, head resting on a pillow. A huge grin spread across her face as she
watched him curiously scrutinize her.
Laying his book on the table beside he bed,
he spoke, "What has suddenly gotten into you?"
"Nothing," she smiled at him.
"Dont give me that," her
infectious grin spread to him, "whats made you so happy all of the
"I wasnt making you very happy a
little while ago."
< Angel, ever since I was embraced
youve been there for me every minute of every day. I dont know why
dont want to know why. I just know that youre here. And thats all
thats important. >
< Come over here closer to me. >
Willow slid over to Angel, who opened his
arms to her. Putting her arms around his waist, she rested her head on his chest, feeling
his strong arms encircling her, his cheek rubbing against the top of her head.
< Will, you are so important to me
< Angel, listen to me
this is so
difficult for both of us
maybe even more difficult for you than it is for me. You
told me once that I make you happy. I dont want our relationship to become something
dark and heavy
a burden. I want us to feel good together. I want to make you
< You do. You do make me smile. >
< I love you, Angel. Just let me love
Willow lifted her head from his chest to
look him in the eye.
< Dont say anything else right
now, Angel. Lets just leave it right here, for now
< Whatever you say, Will
Angel leaned forward to kiss Willow, his
upper lip catching hers, his bottom lip gently pushing hers down, opening her mouth just
slightly, just enough for him to slip his tongue inside her mouth, brushing softly against
her tongue before pulling back and ending the kiss. He reached over and shut the light off
next to their bed, and slipped further underneath the covers, holding Willow against his
body, where they slept tangled in each others arms until late in the afternoon.
Several days later the massive ship upon
which they had been sailing arrived at Port. Just before midnight Angel hurriedly whisked
Willow from the boat, away from the dock, and into a taxicab. The cab drove for hours
seemingly in no direction. Willow was tired, she leaned her head against Angels strong
shoulder. She was scared but excited of the same time. The most exciting adventure of her
young life was just beginning, and she couldnt imagine a more wonderful person to
share it with than Angel. She turned her face up to look into the eyes of the man that she
could well be spending immortality with. Angel looked into her eyes returning the glow
that she felt. Silently he spoke to her.
< Its all going to be all right,
I swear. >
"Oh, my God, Angel
stood at the gate, stunned, "Its a castle
"A little castle
"A castle! Were going to be
living in a castle?" she stared at the massive structure, disbelief written all over
her face, "Where did you find this?"
Angel chuckled, enjoyed his new
companions awe, "Will, the castle has been here for four hundred years
didnt just find it."
"Ive owned this place for a long
time. I like to pretend that its my family estate. The fact is, I acquired it during
Angelus years, through less than noble methods
but I love this place."
Angel led Willow back into the car that had
been waiting for them at the hotel that they spent the day in. They had driven most of the
night before arriving at this massive estate in the Welsh countryside. They drove through
the gates, and up the long drive to the front of the house.
As Angel ushered her through the enormous
front doors, Willows eyes grew wide, taking in the foyer of this grand house that
she would be calling home.
"I feel like some sort of a princess,
Angel. I dont deserve to live in a place like this
Angel dropped their bags on the elaborate marble floor before taking Willows hands
in his own.
"Will, you deserve all of this and
much, much more. I only wish that you
could see how beautiful this place
is in the daytime. You cant tell from the outside, but all of the windows are
sealed. No sunlight can enter the house
But, at night, Willow
wait til you see
the gardens out back
unless my gardeners have been slacking, they are filled
with all sorts of night-blooming flowers, and beautiful trees and fountains
its my favorite part of the estate."
Willow immediately grew excited. She loved
the outdoors, and was thrilled that she would have a massive garden for her own. It would
give her a fabulous way to fill her nights while she grew used to being a vampire.
"Oh, Angel, can we see it now
"I wish we could, Will
its almost sunrise. We can spend the whole night exploring it tonight, but we really
need to get some rest
you need to get some rest. Cmon, Ill show you your
He took her by the hand and led her up the
huge staircase and down the long hallway, pausing before a set of double doors. In a grand
gesture, he threw the doors open, revealing to Willow the most incredible room she had
ever seen in her life.
The first thing that struck her was the brightness. It was obvious that Angel had
decorated the interior of the entire castle to feel as light and airy as possible. The
walls were a delicate shade of white. The floor was, once again, marble, with light
colored oriental rugs strewn about. The curtains covering the sealed windows were
perfectly matched to the walls. Dozens of colorful flowers were set upon almost every open
surface in the room, and the walls were decorated with beautiful portraits of outdoor
landscapes. The room was huge, with its own sitting room, and bathroom leading off
to the side. The focal point of the room, the centerpiece, was the bed. It was in the very
center, against the back wall. King-sized, Willow knew that she would need the footstool
beside it to be able to climb into it every night. The white, feather-filled comforter
that covered it seemed to Willow like a huge white cloud, inviting her to sink down
"Like it?" Angel whispered into
"Oh, Angel, this is the most beautiful
room Ive ever seen
its perfect," she sniffled.
Blood red tears began threatening to dribble from the corners of her eyes.
"Hey, I didnt mean to make you
"Im not crying
just happy. I love this room, Angel
I love this house."
"Wait til you see the rest of it
the rest of the house is just as beautiful, along with the gardens, and the
fountains, and the pool, and the stables
"Pool? Stables? We
You have horses?"
Angel chuckled again. Hearing Willows
excitement and seeing her smile lightened his heavy heart by several pounds.
"We have horses, Will
whats mine is yours
But right now, you need to get some sleep! My room is
right across the hall, if you need anything
For an instant, Willows smile left
her face, "Its going to seem odd, not sleeping in the same bed as you all of
"Ill be right across the hall,
youll be fine."
liked having you next to me," she stuttered, immediately regretting her words.
< Youre probably glad not to have
to share a bed with me anymore
> she thought at him, unconsciously.
"Willow! How can you think that?"
he pulled her into his arms, "The next time we share a bed, I want us to be sharing
our love, completely," he kissed her gently, "For now, I want you to get some
sleep so youll be well rested tonight when we explore the grounds
He released her from his tight hug and left
the room, closing the doors behind him.
Willow went into the bathroom to change clothes. Once again, Angel had everything stocked
for her. Perfumes, shampoos, conditioners, lotions, and scented oils, and more flowers.
The colossal bathtub in the middle of the floor beckoned her, and she began filling the
tub. She poured some of the scented oil into the water, and, while waiting for the tub to
completely fill, she explored her room a little further. Opening her closets, she found
them full of the most beautiful clothes that Willow had ever seen. If she were worried
about constantly trying to fill Buffys shoes, the thoughts now abandoned her. The
clothing was pure Willow. Somehow, Angel had managed to convey exactly who she was to
whomever it was that picked out the clothing. Angel knew exactly who Willow was, and he
loved her for it.
Willow removed her clothing and slid into
the tub, languidly reveling in the pleasure.
< Angel? >
< Yes, dear
> Willow could hear
the mocking, sweet tone of his voice in her head.
just wanted to make sure
you could still hear me
< Loud and clear
you sleeping? >
Im taking a bath
this tub is incredible. >
< Youre naked?> he teased her.
Willow giggled, feeling naughty < Does
that excite you? >
< More than you know
tuning you out now, and Im going to try to get some sleep
thats going to be possible with the thought of you all naked and wet
< ANGEL! >
< Hey, you started it
I cant wait to see you tonight
Angel rolled over onto his back, releasing the erection that was steadily growing during
his brief conversation with Willow. He struggled not to lower his hand to release the
tension. Somehow, he thought, that would be like being unfaithful to Willow.
< Mind over matter, mind over matter, mind over matter
> he silently repeated
the mantra to himself until he finally began to soften. Rolling back over onto his
stomach, he violently fluffed the pillow underneath his head, and let his thoughts drift
back to Willow.
< My Willow
Where did she come
from, and how come I never noticed her before? Shes exquisite
those big, expressive eyes! And she has nothing to hide
shes so open and
honest. When she smilesthat smile that lights the whole roomshes smiling
because shes genuinely happy. And when she frowns, and she gets that adorable little
pout, and the bridge of her nose gets all crinkly, theres not a damn thing that I
wouldnt do for her to return that smile to her face. Am I falling in love with her?
Am I already in love with her? I AM! Oh, my
Again, Angel felt his erection growing. Frustrated, he rolled over on his back again.
< Its going to be a long damn day
That evening, Angel woke up and got
He went into the kitchen and prepared a glass of blood for himself and for
Willow. Draining his, he placed the glass in the sink and carried Willows upstairs
to her bedroom.
Quietly, he opened the doors and slipped
Willow was still asleep, snuggled in the
giant bed, the huge comforter pulled tightly around her neck.
Angel tiptoed to the bed and sat the glass
on the bedside table. He grabbed a yellow rose from the vase on the table, and delicately
began tickling her nose with the flower.
One of her small hands snaked from underneath the covers and brushed the flower away.
Silently giggling, Angel tickled her nose again. Again she brushed it away.
< This isnt working > he
thought to himself.
He sat beside her on the bed, and leaned
over her sleeping body. Tenderly, he licked her earlobe. Willow squirmed under the covers,
but didnt try to brush him away.
" he murmured,
lightly kissing her jawbone.
Unconsciously, she turned her face more
He planted a series of soft, wet kisses on her throat.
" she was now
"You are a very sound sleeper,
"Cicaro? Whats that mean?"
she asked, reaching up to run her fingers through his dark hair.
"Darling, in Latin
leaned into her caresses, as she yawned, "You want to go back to sleep,
?" He asked gently.
She shook her head no, and pulled his face
towards hers. Placing her arms around his neck, pulling herself closer to him, she
captured his mouth with hers.
" she moaned against
He slid his arms around her waist, holding
her body tightly against his.
Their kiss grew more passionate, more fiery.
"Willow, I want you
know I want you
but were not ready yet
Willow pushed him away, and shook herself,
trying to shake the erotic thoughts from her head.
" she said.
"Willow, Im sorry
dont be mad
Willow laughed, and pulled herself out of
the bed, "Im not mad, Angel
were not ready."
"Then why the grrr?"
he asked, watching her walk towards the bathroom.
She returned to the bedroom, carrying her
hairbrush. She sat on the bed facing Angel. He took the brush from her hands, and directed
Willow to turn her back to him. She did, and fell back against him as he started to brush
her long, red hair. He was gentle, and loving, being careful not to pull. His touch with
the brush was a caress.
"So?" he asked again, "Why
Willow laughed, "Remember a long time
again when I asked you how you change faces? And I referred to it as the way you go
"And, now, when you and I make love,
the most special thing that two people can do together, were both going to be going
Angel threw his head back and laughed, a
full, deep guttural, natural laugh that Willow loved to hear. There was nothing fake or
forced about the way Angel acted with her. As he continued to brush her hair, she allowed
herself to lose herself in thought.
damn that feels good. Damn I want you
Oh, this is so much more than
I dont even know what sexual is
Im pretty sure is sexual, though
God, Angel, I might not quite be strong
enough to take you, but if this keeps up, Im going to try like hell
"Oh, God, you heard every word of
that, didnt you?"
"Yep," he sighed against her
neck, "Every single word
"God, Im so
" he sighed, pressing
his lips against her hair, "You never, ever have to be embarrassed about anything in
front of me
"Yeah, but, youre so in
and Im still just a typical teenage girl, full of raging hormones that
I cant control
Angel chuckled, remembering how he spent
the last 10 hours.
"Is that what you think?" he
asked her, "That Im in control? Will, I tossed and turned all day in bed,
trying to not think about you, and how much you turn me on, for ten minutes so that I
could get some sleep. Youre making me crazy
being this close to you drives me
He dropped the brush and put his arms
around her shoulders, pulling her tightly against his body, "Do you feel that? Do you
feel how much I want you right now
? And you think Im the one thats in
Willow could feel Angels hardness
pressing into her lower back. It terrified her, and excited her all at once.
"You make the call, Willow
is up to you," Angel thrust his hips forward, pressing himself further against her
back, growling into her ear, "I want you, more than anything. If you want me, and you
think were ready for this, Im yours."
He removed his arms from around her
shoulders, and slid them around her waist. Pressing back against him with all her might,
she felt him begin nuzzling her neck. One of his hands began moving lower, against her
stomach. Suddenly, he grasped her core, pressing against her wet panties, gently fingering
her through the cloth.
"OH!" Willow gasped, jumping out
of her skin.
It seemed as though every nerve in her body
was raw. No man had ever touched her there before, or even come close. She had done it to
herself many times, dreaming of Angel, but this felt completely different, even though it
was the man that she had always dreamed of.
as much as I want
you, Im not ready for this
Im still expecting my first time to be all
sweet and romantic
I still need adjust to it being something different," she
Angel removed his hand from her heat, and
enveloped her in a tight hug.
"Willow, Im sorry
"No, Angel, Im sorry
want to be your lover
God, I want you to make love to me
it will be a dream
come true when it happens, but Im just
"Dont apologize to me for
wanting your first time to be perfect
drink your breakfast and go get dressed
Ill be waiting for you downstairs so we can explore the gardens
Angel pulled himself away from Willow and
gave her a quick kiss before leaving the bedroom.
< Damn it, Angel
> he chastised
himself, < Just do if for her
For the most part, Angel had been truthful
with Willow. Vampire sex typically was violent and dangerous. But, just as it had been
with Buffy, it could also be tender and sweet. Angel wanted her to know what life was
going to be like as a vampire
she wasnt human anymore, and Angel needed her to
know that, but he also wanted her to feel his love, and to feel comfortable with his love.
He knew that he could make love to Willow and do it the way she had always dreamed, and
that it could be wonderful for her
and, as a result, wonderful for Angel. But now
that he had told her about the violence of vampire sex, he was afraid that she would know
that he was holding back for her, and that she would feel insulted.
< Damned if I do, damned if I
of course, Im damned anyway, so I really have nothing to lose
I could lose her, and Id rather lose my life than lose her
Angel began to hatch a plan.
Part 16 (The Roman numerals were confusing
I never meant for this to be so long
Half an hour later, Willow came bounding
down the steps full of energy. She had found a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt and a
pair of low black boots that she loved. Her beautiful red hair flowed around her
shoulders, and her normally alabaster cheeks were slightly flushed from the blood she had
Angel was sitting in the study, thinking of
the plans he was making for the morning, after the sun began to rise. He looked up,
watching Willow enter the room.
"You look beautiful," he told
"Its just jeans and a T-shirt,
dont lay it on so think," she grinned at him.
"Im not talking about the
Im talking about you."
< Angel, you make me happy that Im
a vampire >
His face took on a skeptical air.
"Thats a weird thing to
"Well, its true
look at me that way
well, not the way youre looking at me right now, because
right now youre looking at me like Ive got cooties, but, well, when you look
at me the way that you were looking at me when I walked in the room, and when you touch me
like you were touching me a little while ago, Im glad Im not human, and
Im glad that Im not in Sunnydale and Im glad that were here, and
were alone, and that I get to
spend a lot of time alone with you!" she
Angel chuckled as he stood from his chair, watching Willows flushed cheeks grow
"I said more than I should have,
"No, Willow, you didnt."
He crossed the room to stand in front of
her, sliding his arms around her waist, pulling her into a tight hug.
"You didnt say too much,
because, God help me, Im glad youre a vampire, too
The evening was magical. Angel ushered her
over every inch of the grounds, and Willow was amazed. Only in her wildest dreams had she
ever imagined an estate of such magnificent proportions.
From modern day luxuries such as the heated
pool and lighted tennis courts... < Angel? Playing tennis? > ...to the centuries old
stables and meticulously maintained gardens, it was a home that Willow couldnt fully
grasp belonged to her.
Being in his home brought Angel even further out of the shell that he had been in for
hundreds of years. Willow was truly his soulmate, in that they were similar creatures, and
she was slowly bringing him out on her own. Now that he was on his land, he opened up to
her even further, with little prodding.
Stopping along the path to the stables,
Angel pulled Willow to sit on a bench with him.
"I need to talk to you about
"Whats wrong?" she asked,
sitting beside him.
need to ask you a question."
"What is it? You seem so serious all
of the sudden
"I was going to surprise you when we
got back to the house, but that doesnt feel right. I need to ask your permission
"Permission for what?"
"To make love to you."
"Will, youve told me yourself,
your entire life youve dreamed of what your first time would be like, and I've
shattered that dream for you
"You havent shattered it,
only changed the dream."
"No, Willow. You have
expectations that I would like to try and meet. I love you
that we discussed this back on the boat, and I told you that I wasnt ready to be
able to say those words and mean them in the sense that you want me to say them. Now I
"Let me finish this, Will
presence in my life has been a blessing, a gift. From the first moment that we met
straight through til today. You never treated me as a monster. Even Buffy could never
quite forget that I was her natural enemy. I guess a lot of that had to do with her being
the Slayer. But you, Willow, you have always treated me as a human, which Im not,
and certainly never deserved."
Willow opened her mouth to speak, but he
silenced her, placing a finger against her lips.
"I dont deserve it. You know how
it feels to have that demon inside you now. You understand what I mean when I say it is a
part of me, dont you?"
When she didnt answer, he repeated
the question, "Dont you? You know how it feels to feel that you have something
so inherently evil trapped inside your body?"
"Yes," she whispered, tears
forming in her eyes, "I know
and I hate it. But, Angel, Im not evil, and
neither are you."
"You havent done the things
Ive done, cicaro. Ive killed so many innocent people, and hurt so many others.
I know that Im a changed man. Youve helped me see that. But it doesnt
change the fact that I did those things. We all like to talk about Angelus as if he were a
different person. I guess it makes it easier for us to live with me... I know it makes it
a little easier to live inside my own skin. But Angelus and I arent different
people. Giving me a soul didnt take away my blood lust. It only made me remember
that killing is wrong. Will, if you had to, and didnt have bags of blood available,
eventually youd have to kill for it. Your hunger would become too great. Having a
soul doesnt change what we are, it only makes us realize what we are."
Willows head hung low, her shoulders
slumped as the misery of their situation swept through her body.
"Willow? Will?" Angel pleaded,
"I didnt mean to make you upset
I guess I veered off the path a bit,
He took her chin in his hand, turning her
face to look into his, "I love you, Willow. Thats the point I was trying to
make. I love you
heart, body, mind, soul and demon. Every bit of you, inside and
out. You are my beacon, my one bright shining light in a world that is nothing but
darkness. Wherever you are is my home, whatever you want is what I want. When you cry, I
cry, and when youre happy, Im happy. Its a simple as that. I want you in
ways that Ive never wanted anyone," his eyes searched hers, "Do you
believe me, Willow? Do you believe that I love you?"
She nodded slightly, hesitantly.
"Then let me show you. Let me give you
want it is that you want. Let me make your first time everything youve dreamed about
your entire life."
"You told me that we couldnt do
" she murmured quietly.
I can, for you. I want
this to be your dream come true. Its true that it probably wont ever be like
well both be wanting more, and that will happen, too."
"I dont want you to hold back
with me, Angel. I dont
I dont want to feel as if youre not
I wish I could explain this
better to you. Its incredibly confusing
I thought Id have more
"What? What do you mean more
Angel chuckled over the worried look on her
face, "I mean, Will, that I never expected to fall so deeply in love with you so
He planted a soft kiss on the tip of her
nose, "I knew I was going to love you. There was never any doubt in my mind
I had looked deeper into myself, I probably would have been able to see it a long time
ago. If not before I lost my soul, then definitely after. Angelus was obsessed with you.
found out what you were doing alone in your bedroom so late at
night, it became a fixation of mine to watch you. It was so innocent and erotic, which is
a tantalizing combination."
He chuckled again, watching her become
increasingly flustered, "Its true, Willow. Which makes me wonder something
"Do you really love me?"
"How can you even ask me that?"
"Maybe I need to know, too."
"You do know. You saw it
"I saw a young, innocent girl that was
confused about her burgeoning sexuality. The way you felt with Oz, and even Xander, to a
certain extent, was never the way you felt about me, was it?"
"Thats not fair, Angel."
"Yes, it is. You didnt even know
me until Spike changed you. We had never had a full conversation, had we? Just snippets
here and there
so how could you think that you loved me? You may have loved an idea
of what I was, but you couldnt have been sure that was me or not
as a matter
of fact, it probably wasnt. Having sexual fantasies about someone and loving that
person are two entirely different things."
Willow sat silently next to him, absorbing
what he had said and what he was asking of her.
"You dont love me, do you,
Willow?" his voice was a combination of regret, shock and despair.
Willow shot up from the bench and took off
running towards the stables. Angel stayed behind, playing over their conversation in his
mind. He felt himself foolish and arrogant for never even exploring the possibility that
Willow wasnt truly in love with him.
She depended on him, needed him. She probably could survive on her own without him, but it
wouldnt be easy. That was all it was
need. Angel didnt certainly
didnt think of himself as lovable. He was sulky, and depressed and constantly
brooding. Usually, his presence meant something bad was about to happen. He was a good two
centuries older than her, and acted much older than that. Fun was something that he
didnt allow himself, and even if he did, he wouldnt know how to set about
Maybe he was good-looking
couldnt be sure. He hadnt seen his reflection in over two hundred years. He
had always assumed he was handsome from the way women reacted to him. But sexual
attraction had never equaled love, and he knew that. Of course, Willow didnt love
Willow was everything Angel wasnt
when it came to matters of consequence. The fact that they were both souled vampires was
only a common bond that they shared. She was sunlight, even in the black of night. She was
openness and loveliness and optimism. Willow always saw the bright side of every
situation, even the most desperate, hopeless ones, and on more than one occasion it had
been her sheer determination that had pulled her through. Where Angel would likely have
given up on himself, Willow would only become more resolved to pull herself out of a bad
Of course, she didnt love him. And
Angel loathed himself for making her feel guilty because of it. He had expected her to be
understanding when he couldnt spout words of love to her with all the meaning behind
them that he had now that he had truly fallen in love with her. He would have to be
understanding now for her.
With a crestfallen sigh, he started towards
the stables hoping to somehow put things right between himself and Willow.
He saw her standing with her back to him,
gently allowing a huge black stallion to nuzzle against her red hair, a horse that Angel
knew from experience was not one to nuzzle anybody.
"Leave it to you to be able to tame
the savage beast."
Willow jumped at the sound of his voice,
then spun around to face him, blood-red tears streaming down her face.
"Will, Im sorry. I
"You really think I dont love
"Its too soon, Willow. This all
happened to quick for you. I dont doubt that you need me, and that you care about
me, but for me to have just assumed that you love me
"I do love you, Angel."
"Yeah, but not
"Yes, Angel, in the same way. How dare
you accuse me of not loving you?"
"No buts, Angel. You are my
I love you in ways I never thought possible. There is so much to you
Youre intelligent beyond belief
everything youve seen over the past two
hundred years just amazes me. I want to learn every detail of everything youve seen.
Youve got this great black sense of humor, when you allow yourself. Youre
heart is so big, with such a huge capacity for love. Youre compassion, your quiet
dignity, Angel, everything. I do love you. And I cant believe that you could think
for one minute that I dont."
Angel couldnt believe what he was
hearing, and couldnt believe that he had doubted her. He had allowed old
insecurities from his life before Willow creep into his mind. When he looked into her
eyes, he saw the same reflection of Willows soul that he had always seen, and that
soul was full of her love for him.
"I was just trying to
feebly tried to explain himself.
"Trying to give me an out?" she
asked, "Angel, wont you just let yourself be happy for once? You deserve that.
We deserve that. Neither of us asked for the life we have now, but, you have to admit,
its not so bad."
"Not so bad?" he chuckled at his
"Weve been handed this
were going to live forever. But, at least, we have each other. I have
you, and, Angel, you have me. Im yours."
Angels fatalistic mind searched for
an argument for her, but found none.
"Are you sure, Will?"
"As sure as Ive ever been of
anything in my life."
She stood, waiting. The next move was
Angels, and he knew it.
"Willow, that horse hates
"What?" she asked, bewildered.
the one that was
nuzzling you when I came it
he hates everybody. How did you get him to behave like
"Am I the only one of us that sees the
irony here?" she giggled.
"Ive tamed you."
"Tamed me, cicaro?"
"Dont tell me that in all your
years, you never read The Little Prince?"
"Antoine de Saint-Exupery?"
"You have read it?"
"Many, many years ago, but I really
dont remember much of it."
"You have to read it again, then
and maybe then you will understand that you are my rose."
"Im a flower?"
"Read the story
"We need to be heading back to the
house. The Sun will be rising soon."
Willow sighed, "I love this place,
Angel. The house, the gardens, especially this stable. Maybe tomorrow night we could go
for a ride?"
"I think we can do that. Youre
not planning on riding Wicked are you?"
"Wicked? You named this poor horse
it seemed to fit him at
"Hes not wicked, just
misunderstood. And, yes, I am going to ride him."
When Angel started to protest, she stopped
"Dont you dare
taken riding lessons for years. Hes mine now, just like you are."
Willow hooked her arm through his and he
led her back to the house.
"Im going to get ready for bed,
The two were sitting in the huge study
again, Willow snuggled into Angels lap on a huge easy chair.
Pulling herself out of his arms, she was
halfway up the stairs before he heard her.
< Arent you going to come with me?
< Willow? >
< It isnt polite to keep a lady
waiting, you know
Angel was out of his chair and up the steps
as Willow placed her hand on the doorknob to her bedroom.
"Are you sure, cicaro?" he
whispered in her ear, covering her hand with his.
"Dont make me wait any longer,
Angel. I want you. Tonight. Now."
Angel pushed open the door, and gently pushed her inside. She turned to him, running her
fingers through his dark hair.
"Make love to me, Angel. As a human,
as a vampire
it doesnt matter. I cant last another day without giving
myself to you completely."
Listening to her purr, her fingers softly
tickling the hair on the back of his neck, Angel began to harden.
He kissed her, his lips bruising hers with
intensity. She never failed to surprise him, and now was no different as she forced her
tongue inside his mouth.
It certainly wasnt the first time their tongues had met, but with this kiss Willow
let Angel know exactly what she was expecting of him. Urgency coursed through his veins,
forcing his blood to rush rapidly to his growing erection.
Willow felt his hardness pressing against
her stomach. Suddenly she pulled away from him and ran to the bathroom, throwing the door
shut behind her.
Angel fell back against the bedroom door, rubbing his hands nervously on the legs of his
< Willow? Will
you ok? >
< Im fine
< Then whyd you take off, cicaro?
< Willow? >
< Its my first time, Angel.
Im scared. Nervous. What if I dont do it right? >
< Impossible, Will. Trust me? >
I think Ill put
my nightgown on, Angel. Just give a minute. Please? >
Angel gave her a minute. Then two. Three,
four, then five minutes passed.
< Will, are you all right in there? >
Angel charged towards the door and burst
into the bathroom.
Willow was leaning against the counter,
staring into a reflection that wasnt there.
Angel skidded to a stop at the sight of her
pale body, his undead heart beating unnecessarily.
"Angel!" Willow gasped, trying
desperately to hide cover herself with her arms.
"Wil Oh, God, Willow
Angel closed the distance between them, grabbing her wrists.
She dropped her head forward, trying to
cover her face and breasts with her hair.
"What are you doing, cicaro?
Dont hide yourself from me
you are so beautiful," he brushed her hair
back over her shoulder and out of her face.
"Look at me, Willow," he
instructed, "Not at the floor
Slowly, she lifted her chin to look him in
the eye. He dipped his head, lowering his mouth to her neck. She was embarrassed, he knew.
She didnt intend for him to get an eye-full and now he intended to distract her from
her embarrassment. Snaking his tongue out of his mouth, he suckled at her pulse points,
knowing the pressure would excite her. His hands traced slow, lazy lines up and down her
arms, giving her goosebumps. She began to relax against him.
< Ok, now, Will? >
< Just dont stop
He scooped her into his arms and carried
her from the bathroom. Planting a kiss on her forehead, he laid her on the bed. He stepped
away, unbuttoning his shirt. Willow forgot her nakedness as she watched Angel slowly
expose his body to her.
< Slower? Faster? > he asked.
I want to feel
you," she breathed.
He quickly finished his striptease,
chuckling at the gasp he heard when he revealed his enormous erection to her.
Climbing onto the bed, he covered her body
with his, his cock pressing flat against her stomach. He kissed her deeply, and slowly,
allowing their tongues to idly mingle together. Angel was determined to take this slowly
for Willow. She was frightened as it was
to rush things would only confuse her more.
Finally, he felt her arms rising off the
bed to hold him. Pulling away from her mouth, he lowered his head to her breasts, sucking
one of her erect buds into his mouth. Willow gasped, digging her nails into his back as
nerves came alive inside her body. Taking her free nipple between the fingers of his hand,
he rolled it back and forth, cautiously twisting and pulling, gauging her reactions.
Her response was to rake her fingers down
his back and across his buttocks. He took this as a good sign, and continued, burning a
path further down her body. Her soft, pale skin glistened from the wet trail he was
leaving behind. As he reached her nest of red curls, he paused to gaze up into her face.
He was greeted by the lust-filled smile of his Willow.
< I love you, Willow
if I do
anything that you dont want me to do, please tell me
A warmth flowed into his body that he was
unfamiliar with. Willow hadnt a clue what she was saying to him. All she knew, and
all he knew, was that she was enjoying herself, which was all Angel wanted.
He spread her legs a little further, and
settled himself between them. Prying her nether lips apart with his fingers, he felt her
shudder. He traced her heat, deliberately keeping his actions slow as he wondered where
the heat was coming from. They were both radiating a warmth that was unnatural to the
vampires, but not unwelcome. Willow arched her pelvis towards him, urging him to increase
the pressure to her sex. He eagerly complied, sliding one finger into her slick passage.
She welcomed this intrusion with a quiet moan.
With a controlled rhythm, be began to coax
her first orgasm from her. He knew it wouldnt take long
she was close already.
Smelling her arousal, he longed to taste her nectar. He flicked his tongue at her swollen
clitoris and she jerked beneath him, knowing he found her secret place. He slid another
finger into her tight passage, and roughly dragged his tongue across her sex at the same
time. Her hands were suddenly on his head, her fingers tangling in his hair, urging him
closer. He thrust his fingers deep inside her, sucking her core into his mouth before
gently biting down. Her muscles constricted around his fingers and she came with a cry.
Angel coaxed her along, guiding her
through, lapping at her wetness.
< Angel? > she moaned in the quiet of
< Mmhmm? >
< Please, Angel
He pulled himself back up her body, his
face meeting hers again. He kissed her tenderly, his tongue tracing her puffy lips. Her
tongue flicked at his, tasting herself. His erection pressed against her, seeking her heat
"Are you ready, cicaro?" His
voice was barely a hoarse whisper.
He guided his erection to her entrance,
pausing briefly before pushing the tip inside. He paused again, making sure he wasnt
< Angel? Dont stop
He pushed in further, reaching her virgin
barrier. He covered her mouth with his own, and broke through. She released a scream into
his mouth as he fully sheathed himself inside her. Pushing himself up onto his arms, he
held himself above her, allowing her time to adjust to his intrusion. Supporting his
weight on one arm, he tenderly stroked her sex. Her muscles began contracting around his
cock and he slowly began to move inside her.
Her body was so warm and inviting to him.
He had sex many times before with other vampires, but never made love as he was now. Maybe
it was their souls, maybe it was something else, but Angel couldnt imagine why they
were both emanating heat, and he didnt care. It was the first time in nearly two
hundred fifty years that he wasnt cold. Beads of unearthly sweat formed on his brow
as he fought to control the demon that was hovering just beneath his skin.
Willow was writhing on the bed beneath him,
the same glistening sheen covering her body. Her eyes were clenched shut, and Angel had a
feeling that if she opened them, he would find her eyes glowing yellow as her demon fought
He rocked against her sex with small
thrusts that Willow met, urgently raising her hips off the bed.
"Youre holding back, Angel. Stop
it," she suddenly commanded, raking her nails across his chest, leaving a bloody
His face shifted, changing to that of the
demon. He pulled himself from her heat, then thrust back inside, almost angrily, urgently.
Grabbing hold of her hips, he slammed her body against his. With each thrust, she ground
her clit against his pubic bone, longing for a release from her erotic haze. Angel scooped
his arms underneath her body, pulling her up against him, changing their positions.
Willows demon hovered just below the surface, itching to take over.
Angel tangled his fingers in her hair, and
pulled her head back, forcing her to look at him. He saw the image of the demon reflected
in her golden eyes.
"Let it go, Willow
it," he growled.
She shook her head out of his grasp and
buried her face in the crook between his neck and shoulder, grinding her body hard against
his and he felt the ridges and contours of her vampire face forming. Without warning, she
lifted herself off his erection, throwing her head back. Angel saw the face he hadnt
seen since the night of their first kiss on the boat. Willow slammed her body back down on
his cock hard, sinking her fangs into his shoulder. As she sucked his blood into her body,
Angel lost control.
His mouth clamped down on her neck, his fangs breaking the skin directly above a pulsating
vein. As her blood rushed into his mouth, Willow screamed against his shoulder, her own
teeth still buried deep within his skin as she came, her vaginal walls constricting around
his hard cock with all her vampiric strength.
Angel rolled them backward onto the bed, never breaking the contact between their mouths
or their sexes. He pulled her arms away from his body, pinning them above her head as he
began thrusting with all his force. She mewled beneath him, fighting to free her hands and
He growled, holding her wrists tighter,
which only made her fight back more. He reached the point where he could take no more,
filling her tight channel with his cold semen.
He released her wrists and collapsed on top
of her body, spent. Shifting back to his human face, he realized that she was still
quietly lapping at the wound she had inflicted on him, nursing the last drops of blood
until the puncture holes quickly healed over.
He pulled himself off the bed and went into
the bathroom. A moment later he reappeared holding a damp, cool washcloth and gently
washed the remaining blood from her neck, caressing his lover. Climbing into the bed, he
pulled the huge white comforter over them, cradling her in his arms. Neither had spoken,
and for the first time in a long time, he didnt know what to say to her.
So intense were the feelings that still
coursed through his body that he couldnt even think to form them into words. He knew
that Willow would need to talk, and would need to hear from him what their mating meant to
Placing a finger underneath her chin, he
tilted her face to look at him. He brushed his lips against hers.
"Will?" he whispered.
"Was I ok, Angel?"
"What? Willow, you were perfect.
Ive never felt anything like that before. Ive never loved anyone the way I
"I love you, Angel. Please tell me
that no matter what happens, youll never doubt that I love you again."
"Never. Willow, I cant even
think of the words to tell you how much you mean to me right now
what this meant to
She yawned, snuggling closer to him.
"Are you tired?"
tonight. And you need to be well-rested if youre planning on riding Wicked
"I think I just did," she
Willow woke around three in the afternoon. Angel had released his hold on her sometime
during the early morning hours and she rolled over to gaze at him.
He was on the far side of the bed from her,
lying on his back. Willow still hadnt gotten used to the fact that his chest
didnt rise and fall, and it unnerved her slightly.
He had kicked the heavy comforter away from his body, and had only the sheet covering him
from the waist down. Willow was able to follow the contours of his body, noting the long
lines of his legs, and the bulge at the juncture. His stomach was rippled. Willow wondered
what he had been doing before his change to be in such good shape. His chest was smooth
and well muscled, his nipples standing out like hard little pebbles. His sleeping face
looked serene and content
almost child-like. His long eyelashes fluttered briefly as
he dreamed. His beautiful sleep-tousled hair almost beckoned for her to run her fingers
Willow couldnt believe that he was
hers. For so long she had dreamed of this man, never once permitting herself to believe
that he could ever feel the same way about her. He was right when he said that she had
never felt the same way about Oz or Xander as she felt about him. She loved him more.
Xander was the fantasy, not Angel. He was the one that never turned out to be the man that
she had dreamed his was. Oz, for all his wonderfulness, never turned her on. He was a best
friend that she occasionally kissed.
Angel was the best friend that she wanted to kiss all the time. Every woman deserved to
have a man that could make her feel the way Angel made her feel. He made her feel
beautiful, and intelligent. He never talked down to her, and when he looked at her, it
made her feel as if she were the only woman on earth.
She inched her way closer to him, lying on
her side. She propped herself up on one elbow, watching her lover. A thought occurred to
< What if
> she wouldnt even allow herself to finish the thought.
She reached out to trace small circles on
his belly, her fingertips barely grazing his skin.
? One way to find out,
one way to be certain
She slowly pulled the sheet away from his
body, being careful not to wake him. His cock rested against his body, the paleness
standing out against his dark pubic hair.
She moved her fingers lightly over it, brushing softly from the tip to the base, marveling
as it grew beneath her fingers. Checking to make sure he was still sleeping, she increased
the pressure. His head lolled to one side, but he showed no signs of waking. He grew
harder as Willow continued to stroke him. Soon, his erection grew to its full length. Far
too long and thick, it rested heavily against his stomach.
< Its now or never, Rosenberg. You
need to know
She cautiously straddled his body, being
careful not to place any weight on him. Delicately, she took his shaft in her hands and
positioned it at her entrance, the tip rubbing just inside of her.
Willow swallowed hard, unsure of whether
she should do this or not, but she needed to know, and was far too embarrassed to be able
to ask Angel about it.
With a deep breath she didnt need,
she heavily sank onto his erection. She cried out as he broke through her hymen again,
claiming her virginity once more.
Angels eyes shot open as he heard her
cry and felt her weight fall onto him. Instinctively, he grabbed her hips, confused.
He couldnt even comprehend his
arousal or what she was doing
his only thoughts centered on the evident pain she was
She fell over onto his chest, sobbing, and
he wrapped his arms tightly around her, attempting to soothe her.
< Willow? >
"Will, whats wrong?" he
murmured, "What are you doing?"
His cock stirred as he wakened fully, his
senses becoming clearer.
"It healed, Angel."
"What are you talking about,
Im going to be a
"Will, did you forget last
" Realization dawned on him, "It healed
" he murmured,
stroking her hair.
Willow sobbed uncontrollably against his
chest, "Every time we make love, Angel
"Im so sorry, Willow
" he soothed her, "so sorry
He started to roll her off of him,
softening inside of her, as he was more concerned with comforting her than getting laid.
"No," she cried,
"Itll just heal again
dont want it to
"We cant stay like this forever,
cicaro," he answered, settling her back on top of him.
"Why not? I feed off you, you feed off
we never have to move."
"Its a nice thought, but
Im afraid it doesnt work that way," he chuckled.
"Its not funny."
"I know, Willow
"What now?" she asked.
we can try and figure out
a way to make
as gentle for you as possible," he
answered, "or we can never make love again."
"Not an option," she whispered.
"How bad is the pain, Willow?"
"Its pain, Angel. It
hurts," she answered, more sarcastically than she intended.
"Like a punch in the face, or like a
scraping your knee, or like a scratch? And how long does it last?"
"It hurts like someone shoving a
but it only lasts for a minute."
"So are you saying its bearable,
"For anyone else it would be
but Id walk through fire for you, so, in comparison I guess
"I love you, Will
ever want you to have to be in pain for me."
"Its more of a shock than
anything, Angel. Its just another thing that Im going to have to adjust
"It seems like youre the one
thats having to make all the adjustments in our relationship. It doesnt seem
"Its all right, Angel. I
"You are too good to be true. Why
would you put up with all this for me?"
Willow raised her head off his chest, and
he leaned forward, his lips meeting hers in a brief kiss, "Because I love you."
She casually rolled her hips against him,
reminding him that he was still buried deep inside her.
Im not sure how to do
"Do what feels good, Will
" he took her hips in his hands again, tracing
soft outlines with his fingers.
Willow sat up and rocked forward, and
electricity flowed through her body as her mound rubbed against his pubic bone. She wanted
to rise and thrust against him, but knew that he had grown soft during their discussion,
and was afraid that he wouldnt remain inside her.
Her fears were unfounded, though, as she
sensed Angel hardening inside of her, stretching her walls, filling her.
Now she was really confused
do whatever she wanted, whatever felt good to her. The only problem was that she
wasnt sure what that was. She knew that grinding against him felt delicious, but she
wanted to please him, also.
Her eyes searched his, looking for the
answer. Angel sensed her hesitation immediately, as if he could read her eyes.
He lifted her hips, gently, raising her
slightly off his shaft before slamming her body back down against his. The warmth came
back, filling his body, and hers, too, he knew. Willow, not knowing a thing about what
they were experiencing, hadnt a clue that the heat was odd. Angel pushed it to the
back of his mind, deciding to look into it later.
Willow placed her hands on his stomach, using the leverage to lift herself off of him
again. She held herself still, teasing Angel. Anxiously, he thrust up into her, pulling
her hips against his. Willow was learning about her Angel. He enjoyed the teasing, because
he knew he had the real power
the strength. He had shown it to her last night by
pinning her arms above her head. He enjoyed when she struggled against him.
She was beginning to learn about her demon, about the blackness of it. Yes, it was evil,
but it also loved to play. It loved naughtiness, and it was teaching Willow how to make
the most of it. Angel had tried to explain to her about vampire sex, and now she was
starting to understand. It was intense and passionate, much like what she had always
imagined human sex to be like, but it was also bruising and violent. Angels
reactions to the things she did confirmed this. When she scratched his chest that morning,
he had changed into his game face. When she fought against his holding her wrists, he
came. When she teased him now, it excited him further.
And it had the same reaction on her. The
only difference was that she was afraid of it
Angel embraced it.
Willow decided to push what she already
knew. Tickling her way across his stomach and moving higher, she pinched his nipples
between her fingers, twisting them
hard. Angels eyes changed immediately as he
arched underneath her body, changing from their deep chocolatey brown to gold. Lust surged
through her body and she knew she was changing, too.
"Willow?" he hissed, questioning
" she fell forward on
his chest, her wet mouth surrounding his sore bud.
She felt her canines growing longer and bit harshly into his chest. His blood filled her
mouth and Willow grew lightheaded at the pleasure rushing through her body. Angels
hips were bucking beneath her like an unbroken mustang, tossing her on top of his body.
Willow clamped her legs tightly around onto his body, holding him firmly between her
Angel twisted his fingers in her hair,
forcing her face away from his chest. He pulled her face to his, forcing her mouth open
with his tongue. He tasted his own blood in her mouth, and wanted more. Suckling her
bottom lip into his mouth, he quickly pierced the inside of her cheek with his own fang,
his face having changed completely when Willow bit him.
Her blood trickled into his mouth, exciting
him beyond anything hed ever felt. He quickly rolled them over, shifting the control
back to himself.
He lifted himself up on his arms, hovering
over her. She wrapped her legs around his back, trying to urge him to thrust inside of
her. He grinned at her in the darkness, slowly shaking his head, refusing her.
"Angel, please," she growled.
Moving so slowly that she barely realized
he was doing it, he sheathed himself in her wetness. Once his body was fully joined with
hers, he rocked himself against her, giving her sex the contact that she desired.
Willows entire body trembled, shaking
with passion. She grabbed hold of his forearms, digging her nails into his skin as she
prepared for her orgasm. Just as she was ready to release, Angel pulled back and slammed
into her body, nearly crushing her pelvis.
"Damn you," she groaned, trying
to push him off of her.
She knew this was exactly the reaction he
was looking for, wanting her to fight him. Angel wasnt trying to make her come, he
was trying to see which of them could come first.
Willow was learning to use her body,
learning to use her new strength, and she was finally able to push hard enough on one of
his arms that he lost his balance, and fell to the side. Willow easily pushed him off the
bed, where he landed in a tangle of sheets on his butt.
Willow giggled, peering over the side of
the bed. Angel calmed down just enough to realize how funny they both must look, naked,
covered in bite marks and blood, and wearing their games faces.
Laughter overtook him, and Willow quickly
joined him. Before she realized what was happening, Angel had grabbed her and pulled her
onto the floor with him. He smothered her body with his own, covering her with kisses and
soft nibbles, leaving a trail of tiny puncture wounds across her shoulders and neck.
Feeling his small bites, Willows
arousal overtook her once more and, catching her off-guard, Angel smoothly spun her body
around so she was lying on her stomach. He pinned her arms out to the side and more kisses
and bites followed as he traced the path down her spine. Willow thrust her mound against
the floor, desperately fighting for her release.
Angel nudged her legs apart and knelt
between them, lifting her hips off the ground with his strong hands. He pulled her
backwards, impaling her on his hard cock from behind. She was completely in his control
now, and the game was over. He slid his arms around her waist, holding her tightly against
his body as he thrust into her now red-hot sex. Willow could do nothing but hold onto his
forearms, trying desperately to maintain a small grip on her sanity.
She lost that battle, too, as Angel
abruptly slipped one of his hands between her legs, pinching and twisting her swollen
She came with a shriek, a rainbow of colors
washing before her tightly shut eyes. Angel leaned forward just as her orgasm ended,
sinking his fangs into her back. Willow nearly fainted as another orgasm quickly tore
through her body, not as intense as the first, but powerful all the same. With one more
hard thrust, Angel came, too, draining himself inside of her.
After a few minutes, they both shifted back
to their human faces, the bites and bruises already beginning to heal.
< Are you ok, Will? >
< Are you sure? Because that was
"I didnt hurt you, did I,
"No more than I wanted you to,"
"Angel," she twisted beneath him,
flipping onto her back, "Im not a doll
youre not going to break me.
And if you do, Ill heal."
"I cant believe how easily
youre accepting this. Even Im having problems with it."
Their passion exhausted for the time being,
they easily slipped into being cozy and sweet with each other. Angel stood and carefully
picked her up, placing her back onto the bed. Crawling in beside her, he cradled her in
his arms, kissing and cooing quiet little words of love in her ear.
"Are you sure you can handle all of
this, Will?" he asked, "I didnt mean to get so carried away."
"Its what we are, Angel, and, in
case you missed it, I was just as aroused as you were. It might not be pretty, but
its how we make love."
"I love you."
"Im never going to quit telling
you that, and showing you that
" she stretched,
"Theres just one thing
"White sheets are probably a bad
" she giggled, snaking her arms around his neck.
She pulled him closer for a tight hug, and
felt him return it with a laugh.
"Can we go riding now?" she
"You have the energy for that?"
or I will as soon as I
take a shower and have some breakfast."
"My blood wasnt enough for
"Im pretty sure we burned most
of that away
"Can I shower with you?"
"No way," she said, casually
licking and kissing his neck.
"And why not
"Wed never make it out of the
Angel reached down and smacked her on the
butt. Willow yelped and jumped out of the bed, heading for the bathroom.
< Is there any end to your surprises?
> he asked.
< Nope. >
Months had passed since Angel and Willow had arrived in Wales, and Angel could tell that
Willow was growing restless never leaving the grounds of the estate.
For the first weeks, their nights were spent riding around the estate, walking the
gardens, swimming and getting to know each other intimately. Willow had accepted her role
as eternal virgin, albeit with some frustration and trepidation.
Angel grew to love her more and more each
day. She was growing up and changing before him. Although physically the changes had
ceased, she became more beautiful everyday in his eyes. So much had happened to her, from
losing her life, moving to Wales, to falling in love with him. She had accepted these
changes gracefully, maturing into her roles as both vampire and lover.
When she walked, she no longer bounced
along like the carefree schoolgirl she had once been
now she carried herself with
poise and elegance, floating along with an airy confidence that she had never known
Her emerald green eyes that had always
shone with love and acceptance for Angel also glowed with resilience now. She almost
single-handedly took over the estate, insisting on meeting with gardeners and stable hands
just after dusk each night to ensure that her home and those that lived with her were
taken care of according to her specifications.
Angel sat by and watched, bemused and delighted. Often, his eyes would capture hers for a
moment from across the stable or the gardens, and for the briefest of moments, he would
see the old Willow smiling back at him, almost as if to say, "Hey, look at me
Although he knew that she would never admit
it, she was proud of herself. Through the course of their many, many conversations, Willow
would sometimes make a slip, releasing a piece of information about her past that she
wouldnt have wanted him to know. Angel respected the fact that she would come to him
when she was really ready, and he never brought it up, but it was becoming apparent to him
that she hadnt been happy in Sunnydale.
It was true; he had never paid much
attention to her back in those early days. She was Buffys friend, quiet and shy.
Willow rarely spoke unless spoken to, and never initiated conversation with Angel.
Somewhere during the course of her senior year, right before her change, Angel thought
perhaps he had started paying a bit more attention. He remembered things about her that he
hadnt seemed to notice before. Perhaps it had been because she was the strong one,
the one that had given him the gift of his soul back. Perhaps it had been the glimpse of
himself he had seen in her when she and Anya had inadvertently brought vampire Willow into
The vampire Willow hadnt liked their
Sunnydale, and made no secret of her distaste by proclaiming that their world was no fun.
It had shocked Angel to his core when he heard Willow whisper back in a voice so low that
only the vampires could her, "You noticed that, too?" Had her voice really been
that low, or had the others simply have chosen not to hear it?
Regardless, it was small clues like that
which showed Angel how much she really had changed, but not so much that she wasnt
still the same person that he had fallen in love with.
One dark, clear cool night, they went for a
swim. Angel floated on his back, staring up at the stars, his pale, wet chest glistening
in the moonlight. Willow swam around him making lazy circles in the water. Her black
bathing suit, in contrast with her alabaster skin combined with her radiant red hair
proved to be an intoxicating combination to Angel. He knew that if he caught sight of her
green eyes their swim would be over, so he continued floating on his back, refusing to
acknowledge Willows small circles growing smaller as she closed in on him.
" she whispered.
"Hmmm?" he refused to look at
"How long do you think you can ignore
me?" she teased.
"Im not ignoring you. Im
perfectly aware that youre going to pounce on me any moment."
"Pounce, Angel? Not very trusting, are
"I trust you implicitly. I also know
that youre insatiable," he mused, making tiny waves with his fingers.
"You love every minute of
" she continued circling.
"You know what I want to do,
"Make love to you
"Dont you already do that?"
"I dont mean that way."
"What way do you mean?" Willow
was curious now and stopped circling. She stood on tiptoe, her head just barely out of the
"Let me show you
flipped over, and swam over to Willow.
He scooped his arms around her waist, and
began spinning them around in the water.
Willow could feel his erection pressing against her belly, and pushed herself away.
no games," he
" she was cut short as
Angel pressed back into her.
His fingers hooked underneath the straps of
her bathing suit, and slowly eased them down her arms, baring her breasts to him. Dipping
his head, he took one swollen bud in his mouth, swirling his tongue around her areola. A
surge of white-heat shot through her body and, with a gasp, she grabbed his head urging
him to continue with his sweet torment.
His mouth never leaving her body, he slowly
removed her suit. Willow easily freed him from his trunks, and they tossed their suits to
the edge of the pool.
Wrapping her legs around his hips, she felt his hard cock pressing against her entrance.
"Ready?" he always asked before
he entered her, making certain she was prepared for the pain.
"Uh huh," she nodded, bucking her
hips against his.
With a quick thrust, Angel buried himself
inside her, tearing her open yet again. Willow held herself against his wet body, her arms
wrapped tightly around his shoulders. When she felt the pain ripping through her, she
pounded her fists angrily against his back.
Angel stilled, surprised by her angry
"Im sorry, Angel
get so damn tired of going through that every time I want you inside me."
"I hate it, Willow. I hate that I have
to do that to you."
"Its all right. Its not
your fault, and once youre inside of me, like now, its well-worth the initial
discomfort," she sighed.
Angel thrust against her slowly. He backed
them against the edge of the pool for leverage, using his arms to protect her back from
being scraped against the rough ledge. Willow ground herself up against him, urging him to
"I told you that I want to make love
to you. Dont rush this
let it happen naturally
" he continued his
small, slow thrusts, "Just let me enjoy being inside of you
Willow understood him. He didnt want
the bloodshed, and the clawing this time. He just wanted to be close to her, as close as
he could possibly be, and what Angel wanted, Willow wanted.
She melted into his arms and relaxed,
caressing his back and shoulders with her hands. Angel delivered devastatingly slow, wet
kisses to her, his tongue slowly pressing against hers, languidly enjoying the taste and
passion of his lover.
Willow sank into oblivion with him,
forgetting for the first time that she was a vampire. The way Angel loved her, the way he
was satisfying her now, made her feel human again. For the first time, she really
understood the depths of his love for her. Their sex was terrific. Willow had no
complaints about their frenzied, hard sex, other than the pesky fact that she would always
be a virgin, but this that they were doing now, they way Angel was holding her, was
different. This was Angel telling Willow that he loved her without words, using his body
to show her what words couldnt adequately say.
Angel thrust into her especially hard, "Where did you drift off to, Will?"
"I was just thinking about us
and how much I love you," she planted small butterfly kisses along his collarbone, up
his neck, and chin until she finally reached his mouth.
Angel was willing to make love to her all night long. The simple, complex feeling of being
sheathed inside her unexplainable warmth was enough to sustain him until they would need
to move away from the morning sun. His movements were slight, barely pulling out of her
before slowly pushing back inside. Willow enjoyed his lazy rhythm, rocking along with him,
scarcely grazing her clit against his pubic bone with each small thrust.
Angel knew he would last longer at this
pace than Willow. While they continued to coo and whisper tender words of love to each
other, Angel could sense her tensing ever so slightly in his arms.
"Want to come?" he murmured
against her shoulder.
"No," she gasped slightly,
"Not until you
"You know perfectly well that you can
have ten to every one of mine
Let me make you come."
Willow nodded her consent as Angel slipped
one of his hands between their bodies, finding her clitoris. He circled it lazily with his
thumb, wishing to coax her into orgasm, not force her. He added a little more pressure
with each cycle. Willow tightened her legs around his body, trapping his hand between
them. He traced the shell of her ear with his tongue, knowing that one of her most
sensitive spots was hidden just behind her earlobe.
He began laving the delicate spot with his
tongue, alternately nibbling and licking, keeping time with his thumb, increasing the
pressure on her clit. He felt her abdomen tense against his own stomach, and pinched her
nub between his thumb and forefinger. She bucked against him, her slow climax washing
through her body. Her lips sought his, barely touching, as she moaned against his mouth,
her eyes never leaving his.
"Feel better now?" he spoke
against her lips.
you always make me feel
"Can I have my hand back now?" he
She unclenched her legs, and Angels
arm encircled her waist again, pulling her tightly against him. He resumed his small
thrusts as Willow drowsily sank against his body.
"Going to fall asleep, Will?"
"No," she sighed, "Im
just disgustingly content right now. My life couldnt be more perfect at this
A glorious silence settled over them as
they lost themselves in their lovemaking. Between the gently lapping of the water as it
splashed against the sides of the pool, and the sounds of the horses neighing in the
distance, the night was flawless.
When Willow finally spoke to Angel again,
nearly an hour later, he quickly hushed her in silence.
< No talking, Will
Not out loud
< This is so good, Angel
me feel so good
I wish there was a way
a little to the left,
a way to let you know what you mean to me
< You have nothing to prove to me,
I know you love me. >
< Its more than that, Angel
I never thought that I could have a man like you
I dont deserve a man like
< I dont deserve you
were doing it again
< Weve been doing it for close to
and I need to stretch
Can you trade places with me? >
Angel spun them around so that his back was
against the ledge and released his grip on her. Willow leaned back into the water,
stretching her arms out to the side. Her hair fanned out around her head. Her legs still
wrapped tightly around his hips, holding him inside of her. Angel reached out and ran his
palms across her glistening breasts. Willow covered his hands with her own, guiding him to
pinch her hardened nipples between his fingers.
Her back arched in the water, and Angel
knew she needed another release. One hand continued to softly torment her breasts while
the other found its way to her clitoris again.
< Not without you again > she
informed him, clenching her legs around him tighter.
Involuntarily, Angel thrust hard against her.
" he choked out,
grabbing her hips.
Knowing Willow was going to hold back until
he came with her drove him over the edge and he began thrusting harder against her body.
Willow keened, a sharp spasm ripping through her belly as her climax began.
Angel needed leverage, and spun them in the
water again. Willow reached behind her and held herself away from the ledge, allowing
Angel to pump furiously into her body. He felt her inner walls tightening around his cock
as she came, and he released his seed deep inside her, shouting her name as he came.
Willow threw herself back against his body
and into his arms, still holding him inside of her.
"Im seeing stars," she
whispered against his ear.
"Its a clear night
course you see stars," he chuckled.
"Thats not the kind of stars
Im talking about. I dont know anything about sex with anyone other than you,
but Im pretty sure youd rate a ten on anyones scale."
He kissed her deeply, and gently started to
pull away from her, despite her moans of protest.
"Will, were both turning into
its time to get out of the water
"Dont want to let go of
"Then dont," he easily
carried her to the other side of the pool, up the steps and crossed to the garden
furniture, finally breaking their contact as he laid her on a chaise.
Tossing her a towel, he sat in the chair next to her, drying his spiky hair with his own
towel. He reached out and grabbed her hand, rubbing small circles on her palm.
"Angel, what did you mean when you
said that we were doing it again? You almost sounded angry."
"I meant that were both so hard
I think I dont deserve you, you think you dont deserve me.
We spend half our time wallowing in our own self-hatred trying to force ourselves not to
Willow didnt know what to say for a
moment. He was right, of course.
"Were happy, Angel. Is that such
a bad thing?"
"Of course its not a bad thing,
Im just not used to it, and a big part of me still thinks I dont
"Angelus did what came natural to him,
like a wild animal following his instincts."
"I didnt hunt just to feed and
you know that."
"The urge to
natural to him
you. An instinct is an instinct. You couldnt fight it. I mean,
Angelus couldnt fight it," she quickly corrected herself.
"The line is blurring, isnt it,
"I know the difference. I know who
Im with, and who I love. And who deserves to be happy."
"I love you. Thats all Im
"And youre happy. Admit
"Im happy," he sighed,
"I confess. You want to travel?"
you and me. Around
Europe. Want to?"
the train system around
Europe is incredible. We can easily travel at night."
"Thatll be expensive
Angel couldnt help but chuckle,
arching an eyebrow at her. Willow was perfectly well aware of how much money they had.
"Dont laugh at me
cant help it if Im not used to this kind of lifestyle," she pouted.
"Could have fooled me, the way
youve been running the estate."
Willow shot up from the chair, "Oh,
Angel, Im sorry! I didnt mean to take over
" he hushed her,
"I love it. This place is yours as much as it is mine. It keeps you occupied and
makes you happy. And youve done a wonderful job."
She pulled her towel around her, and sat in
Angels lap, curling up like a tired little kitten. Angel wrapped his arms around her
"How long until sunrise?" she
"About an hour," he answered,
glancing at the clock hanging on the fence surrounding the pool.
"We should head back to the
"Want me to carry you?"
"I can walk
just a bit
Angel threw his head back and laughed, a
sound that Willow loved and a sound that she heard far too rarely.
He gently lifted them out of the chair and
sat Willow back on her feet. She dropped her towel and grabbed her short, white terry
cloth robe, pulling it on and tying it loosely in the front. Angel grabbed his trunks and
slipped them back on, grabbing their towels and her suit and slung them over his shoulder.
He took her small hand in his and pulled
her towards the house. Willow rested her head against his shoulder and he wrapped his
strong arm around her shoulder as they strolled through the gardens back to the main