A Guy Like Angel
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.
Ok, I love him. I. Love. Him.
Its a bad, bad thing. I shouldnt. Hes not mine and never, ever will be. Never in a million years.
Hes Buffys. Buffys boyfriend. My best friends boyfriend. Plain and simple.
Hes taken, and not just by anyone. Shes my very best friend in the whole world, and Im secretly in love with her boyfriend.
This isnt me.
Its not what Im all about.
Im the shy one the innocent one. The one whos never gone past a little French-kissing with my werewolf boyfriend.
Im not supposed to fall for a guy like Angel. Not seriously, or anything.
Girls like me are supposed to see guys like Angel and sigh, and gaze longingly as they pass us by, more often than not, not noticing us at all. Maybe, every once in a while a guy like Angel will notice a girl like me shyly staring at him as he strolls past, and maybe, every once in a while, a guy like Angel with give a girl like me one of those devastating, coy smiles. The kind of smile that says, Hey, youre kind of cute, little girl, but Im way out of your league. But thanks for looking.
But then I went and fell for him. Head over heels. How did it start? Whos to say? There were a lot of moments I guess maybe its bound to happen when a girl like me gets lucky enough to spend a lot of time around a guy like Angel.
God, hes beautiful. Chiseled out of stone the finest of the finest marble. First is his height. I love tall men.
Yeah, I know, Im dating Oz.
Angel towers over me, overwhelming me. Hes got this perfect hair. For a man that cant see his reflection, he sure knows how to use mousse to its fullest advantages. I want to touch it so bad, because I know its soft even with the mousse, I just know its soft. Then you get to his eyes I know its cliched, but the eyes really are windows to the soul. I can see everything in those big, brown chocolatey eyes, not that I get the chance to stare into them very often. Every since he got back from Hell, he has a hard time making eye contact. Hes getting better about it, though. Hes getting stronger.
Hes different now that hes back. At first, he was all angsty and broody like he was before, when I first met him. He feels so guilty about everything that the bastard Angelus did. Ok, so technically, it was still Angel, but he wasnt in control. That wasnt my Angel.
Anyway, as I was saying, hes different now. Stronger. A little angrier, as if he has this rage just boiling below the surface. But hes got it under control. I know he does Im the one responsible for that. His soul is anchored stronger than ever now. I made sure of it.
Maybe thats an explanation for his barely controlled rage. Maybe he realizes somewhere deep inside his being that the demon can never take control again, so he allows him to show himself a little more these days. The demon that is. Because Angel knows that he can use that rage, that anger, to confront other demons and that he will still maintain full control.
Or, maybe not. I dont know. Angel doesnt exactly go out of his way to have deep conversations with me. He never even looks at me unless its absolutely necessary.
I dont think Angels repulsed by me, or anything like that. I think he just doesnt notice me. Im Buffys friend, the nondescript one. I think hes just indifferent towards me. I guess thats ok. I guess thats better than him being disgusted by me.
Guys like Angel arent supposed to notice girls like me. Its completely unnatural. But, hey, I do live on the Hellmouth. Talk about unnatural.
Im rambling, arent I?
Did I mention his mouth yet? His perfect lips? They are perfect, arent they? Always so serious. On those rare, rare occasions that I get to see him smile (Ok, its never really a smile he doesnt smile), the corners of his mouth just curl up ever so slightly, almost a twitch, and those fine little lines around his eyes get all crinkly, I think for a minute that there is hope for him. Hope for him to allow himself to be happy.
But then it disappears. He catches himself and it goes away.
He could allow himself to be happy. He could. He just wont. Maybe he doesnt know Ive certainly never told him that hes free to be happy.
But I think he does know. He has to be able to feel it, to feel that his demon has been beaten. How could he not? How could he have that thing inside his body and not know that its been tamed?
But, thats one of the things that I love about him. Most guys would just go with it. Men arent very good at not following their urges. Or so Ive been told. Men dont have urges towards me.
Pity yourself much, Willow?
Yeah, maybe I do. So what?
I want Angel. I want to stare into his eyes. I want him to tell me every detail of his life all two hundred and fifty years of it. I want him to laugh with me. I want him to put his arms around me and hold me and hug me. I want to know what it feels like to be kissed by him.
I want to know what it feels like to feel his hands on the small of my back. I want to know what it would feel like to have his lips pressed against my neck.
I wonder what he tastes like? He certainly smells good. He never wears cologne, thank God. I hate that. He always smells like soap. Nice strong manly clean soap. It drives me crazy.
I hate this. I hate feeling this way. Oz is a nice guy. A good guy. Not a thing wrong with him. But he bores me to tears. Its not his fault hes just not what I want.
I want Angel. It feels nice to be able to say that out loud. I want Angel.
I can say it here, where no one can hear me.
Oh, damn it. Im crying again. Actually, it feels pretty good to let it all out. I walk around all day pretending to be happy Willow. Its nice to be able to sit here in my room and cry. I wonder what people would think if they saw me right now, sitting her all alone crying.
Probably not much of anything. I wonder if Angel would ask me whats wrong. Would he care? I bet he would. I bet hed be concerned. Thats one of the reason that I love him, too. For a big manly-man, he sure is sensitive. He had to live for two hundred and fifty years to become a nineties man. Ironic, maybe?
Oh, well Oz is a nice guy. And Buffy deserves some happiness. And Angel certainly deserves some happiness. Although, Buffy doesnt really seem to make him very happy. Or, maybe thats just wishful thinking on my part.
So, as long as Buffys happy, and Angels happy, Im happy, too. Right?
It amazes me that she cant see her own beauty. She has changed so much in the past two years, and she doesnt even realize it.
Look at her. She carries herself different now. She walks a little taller, a little straighter. Shes nowhere near as na´ve as she used to be.
Ill take the creditor blamefor most of that. I guess Id have to share that blame with Buffy, though. If Buffy had never come to Sunnydale, then I would have never come to Sunnydale, and maybe Willow would have never had to see the things that shes been forced to see.
But Buffy and I helped, didnt we? We made a difference. Ok, Buffy made a difference. I suppose Ive caused more pain than Ive alleviated.
Buffy made a difference, Rupert made a difference, Willow made a difference. Hell, even Xander made a difference, although few people know about that.
Maybe Buffy and I arent to blame for the changes in Willow. The Hellmouth is whats really responsible. But, whats responsible for the Hellmouth? Where did it come from, why does it exist? Good, evil, Heaven and Hell the questions are too huge to ponder. Even with all the years Ive been on this earth, I cant even begin to explain the meaning of it all, or how it began. Rupert can give a textbook explanation, but even he hasnt a clue as to the actual beginnings of all of this.
The Watchers, in their infinite wisdom, are as lost as the rest of us when it comes right down to it.
But were talking about Willow. Shes become a woman before our eyes. She doesnt realize it, but she has. She looks exactly as a goddess should look. Alabaster skin, that incredible red hair. Ok, so maybe that color isnt completely natural, but who cares? Its her.
The eyes are natural though. That green Ive never seen anything that beautifully green in my life. Of course, she usually doesnt make eye contact with me, so I dont get the opportunity to gaze into them near enough.
I wonder if she ever thinks about me?
Nah, shes got Oz. Hes a good guy. I cant fault her for falling for him. Hes only a monster three days a month, as opposed to me. He loves her cherishes her. Much like I do.
Something happened when she recursed me. I have no idea what, but something. Its different this time. I dont feel as frightened this time as I did before. I feel stronger.
Did she do this? Could she be responsible?
Shes crying. Why is she crying?
Is she hurt? God, whats happened?
Oh, God, whos knocking on my window this late at night?
I dont want to open it whoever it is will know Ive been crying, and then theyll ask why. Its got to be Buffy. I really dont want to deal with her tonight.
Or Xander. Yeah, hed be really understanding. He hates Angel with the same amount of passion that I love him with.
Maybe if I ignore it whoever it is will go away
Something must be wrong. What if ?
Go on, Willow. Look out there and see who it is. Wipe your tears away and just see who it is.
Angel. On my balcony. What on earth does he want?
Breath, Willow. In and out. Just breath. And open the window, you idiot. Quit staring at him.
What is he doing here? Something must be wrong. Buffy? Oh, God, Buffy
No, its not Buffy. He wants to know why Im crying. I cant tell him the truth. Cmon, Rosenberg, think of something to tell him. Something believable.
I cant come up with anything. Oh, no, Im going to cry again. Look at him, look how concerned he looks. He must think Im a freak. I cant even talk.
Breath stop crying and breath.
Oh, no, Angel, dont do that. Dont touch me. Hes going to hold me. Oh my God, hes putting his arms around me.
STOP CRYING, DAMN IT!!!
Well, geez, Willow, you wanted to know what it felt like your wish just came true. Now, speak. Say something anything
Oh, yeah, that was good, Will Im fine, Angel, let me go. Thats the best you could come up with?? Not that he could understand what you were saying.
Now, Im getting his shirt all wet. Great real sexy.
Im still crying. God, am I ever going to stop. Hes cooing. Cooing to me. Hes telling me that everythings going to be ok, that hes going to fix whatever it is thats making me cry.
If he only knew ::snort::
Oh, God, I snorted out loud. That was attractive.
Great. Now, Im giggling. He must think Im a lunatic.
What is he doing now? Oh, dont do that, Angel Please dont do that. It feels so good his fingers are so soft, brushing my tears away
Hes trying to make eye contact with me. Imagine that Hes trying to look into my eyes.
I cant do it. If I do, hell see. Hell know everything. Nope, not gonna look.
Hey, at least Im not crying anymore.
Oooh a direct order. Hes trying to force me to look him in the eye.
What is he doing here, anyway? On my balcony? Angel?
Ok, Will, try saying it out loud this time There, thats better.
Hes waiting for me to ask him now. I can do this. After all, I do have a right to know what he was doing on my balcony.
Oh, God, did he notice?
I love him. Oops. I didnt say that out loud, did I?
::sigh:: No, thank God.
What are you doing here, Angel? Ok, out loud now See, that wasnt so hard.
Pay attention, Willow hes got to answer.
He what? Cmon, Angel, spit it out! You um? Thats the best you can do?
You um what?
I cant just sit here and watch her. I cant. Ive heard sobs like that before Something has hurt her terribly. Hurt her soul.
If Oz did this, I will kill him. Soul or no soul, I will kill him. Hes supposed to love her, and look what hes done.
Shut up, you idiot. How do you know Oz hurt her? It could be anything.
Shes so alone. Knock, dead-boy. Just knock.
Ok, how about knocking loud enough for her to hear? Shes coming over here Oh, God I cant run off now. Shed be terrified.
Too late shes terrified anyway. Shes just seen a monster on her balcony. Shes going to let me in. Why?
Oh, God I cant see her hurt like that. Willow?
Put your arms around her You may not be what she wants, but hold her anyway. Hold her.
Shes so tiny she feels so frail and so good. Jesus, she smells good. What is that? Lavender? Would she even notice if I just gave her a little taste ?
God damn it shes in pain and Im thinking about licking her? Whats wrong with me?
I guess it just proves that monster or not, Im still just a man.
What is wrong with her? Shes crying harder. Is it me? Have I done something to hurt her? Shed be pushing me away if it was me, though which shes not doing. Shes holding on tight, actually. Very tight. Oh, God, that feels so good. So good finally having my little witch in my arms. I could die here. Right now. Holding her like this.
Id die a happy man.
Except that I still dont know whats wrong. Ill kill him. Ill kill the little bastard if he did this.
Shes fine, she says. Bullshit. Shes not fine at all. Talk to her, Angel tell her youll make it all right. How can I make it all right if she wont tell me whats wrong?
Her hair is so soft.
Did she just snort? She did. And now shes giggling. What the hell?
Shes hysterical. Whatever it is, its pushed her over the edge. Cmon, Willow, look at me. Look at me, damn it.
How did I get in her room? She didnt invite me and I know she revoked the invitation. When did she invite me in?
What am I doing here? Oh shit. What am I doing here?
To Be Continued